Compatibility

Harsh words, hurting comments, tears and flying household objects - for sure, no one ever wanted that to be the everyday routine when deciding to live together with the beloved person. Yet, why is this such a common picture, portrayed even in many Hollywood dramas?

Two people meet, they fall in love - that happens, in a multitude of different ways, thousands of times all over the world. Then, if they're lucky and everything goes well, they decide that since they love each other so much, they want to stay together and share a home.

Now, for married as well as unmarried couples, they have to adjust to a new situation: Every-day-life decisions depend on two people's opinions, preferences and wishes instead of one before.

In single life, one's the only instance of decision on what party to go to, when to clean the place, what to wear, what to eat and where to go on holiday. For a divorced person, especially with children, a lot of responsibilities are added. A single parent has to be mother, father and breadwinner, has to take care of education, the children's need for love and all other problems occurring. These responsibilities, if mastered, as well as the comparably easy life of a single person, bring a lot of independence.

And this independence, being an advantage in the situations described above, can turn into a problem when it comes to living together. Suddenly, decisions need to be agreed upon by both parties, and compromises have to be made. Especially in the first time of living together, those incompatibilities can lead to the actions described above.

In the adjustment period, both need to be aware of those possible dangers and respect each other's difficulties in getting along with the new situation. Otherwise, the feeling of love and closeness that originated the wish to live together is bit by bit replaced with a feeling of rejection.

The natural reaction on being criticized, misunderstood or in any other way "attacked" is to defend oneself. If you're used to make decisions alone, without considering another, maybe diverging opinion, you might feel attacked when your partner doesn't share your line of thoughts or wishes. The worst, but unfortunately most common, because instinctively made, reaction is to "fight back".

For example: You want to go to a party. Your partner wants to go out for dinner. So your initial feeling is being "attacked": Why does your partner reject your proposal, what's wrong with it? So the instinctive reaction, from a feeling of frustration and defiance, is to "fight back": A sharp remark, pointed at the partner's proposal and aimed to hurt, seems to be the appropriate reply.

Even if no further fight is following that situation, the feeling remains and the bond between you is weakened. Now, no one would break up because of such a little fight. But it's damaging the bond between you, even just a little bit. And maybe in some years, when responsibilities like an own house and children tie you together, you'll find that the constant damage of these little incompatibilities have left you wondering what made you being together in the first place.

The hideous about this process is that it works so slowly. Human beings have an astonishing ability to get used to situations and, no matter how bad things might actually be, accept them sooner or later as normal. So out of pure habit, we tolerate the incompatibilities we have to build a wall between us instead of stopping, sitting down and sorting things out. When some years of low-level fighting (not bad enough to make you break up, but bad enough to slowly poison your relationship) have passed, it's nearly impossible to fix the damage done and to erase the barriers that have hardened over the time.

In order to avoid a situation where the only alternatives are professional advice or divorce, some guidelines can help keeping things from going that far to the bad side.

Control yourself. By observing your reactions and the resulting tension between you and your partner, you'll be able to easily isolate the kind of feeling that makes you react sharp and hurting. So once you know where your weakness lies, keep yourself from reacting immediately upon those triggers. Think twice, and consider if your ego (nothing else you're pleasing with a sharp reply) is worth hurting your beloved one. In most situations, a second of silence is enough to make you regret the answer you would have given. Don't get it wrong, it doesn't mean you always have to step back. There are situations when a confrontation is necessary - you just have to learn how to distinguish them.

Reflect on your words. Imagine the same situation, just with exchanged roles. Of course, you have to be so fair to admit if you would be hurt in your partner's place. Now that you imagined the impact your reaction would have on yourself, think twice again if it's worth it.

Stay cool. The worst things are said and done in anger. If you focus on what you want to achieve, there is mostly a better way than a violent verbal or even physical reaction. Or do you really think that your partner would give in to you shouting, and even be happy with that?

Be ready to share responsibility. Especially for single parents, it's difficult to get used to trusting someone else again. But without trust, your relationship won't last.

Be realistic. When you move together with another person, that means that your way of life will radically change. Your indepence will be replaced by interdependence: You'll be less on your own, but mostly with our partner. You'll spend less time with our friends and more time together. In result, you'll have to compromise on what you're going to do with your time - the more your interests diverge, the tougher it'll be to find acceptable compromises.

Consider this carefully, and if you think that you're not ready for it, tell your partner - before it's too late.

Brigette Meier is an occassional author for http://www.e-nterests.com - visit the site for more interesting articles.

---

Black Professional, Educated, And Self-Reliant Woman - Why Am I Still Single?

Today there are many single women over the age of thirty. The 2000 Census Bureau recorded that 2,219,489 women between the ages of 30 and 34 have never married.The vast majority of single... Read More

90% of Your Dating Issues Solved!

A friend of mine recently exclaimed, "Dating is so complicated!" I thought about it for a moment and realized, "No it's not!" It's actually very simple if you follow two principles that will... Read More

Dating: How & Where To Meet Single, Alluring, Sexy & Beautiful Women Of Your Dreams

Are you a lonely man?When was the last time you went out on date with a sensuous, sexy and beautiful woman of your dream?Would you like to spark up your romantic life?It has... Read More

Sex and Dating Rule #20 ? No Saturday Dates after Wednesday

What? You say. No Saturday dates after Wednesday? What is this 1952? Well no it's not, it is 2005 and sometimes old dating rules still apply to later times. Why does it matter... Read More

Dating On-line in Safety

Dating online can be great fun, stimulating and exciting. So let's first get it into perspective. Some of us just like to have fun but are sick of the singles bars and other... Read More

Cut Cupid Some Slack

Valentine's Day!What a great idea to set aside a day for remembering those we love. It's even more than just remembering; it's romancing.But it is also a holiday that many dread.Because of the... Read More

Online Dating Tips For Success

So the search for the perfect relationship is tuff. You have tried the grocery market, the coffee houses, blind dates, social gatherings and the Barnes & Nobles. Nothing seems to work.You have heard... Read More

Use Dating To Your Benefit

The easy way to date is really by empowering yourself. This unconventional approach is based on the reality that when we grow and expand, our dating also grows and expands.The book The Joy... Read More

How To Gain Her Trust From The Start

For a woman to have sex with a guy, she must not only be attracted to him, but she must also trust him. Look at it like this:1. Trust Without Attraction = "He's... Read More

Use The Power of Focus When You Want To Get A Date

The Importance of FocusPeople are always looking for ways to win over somebody they are interested in. Often times when you lose the opportunity, it has nothing to do with your ability to... Read More

Fatal Flaws- How to Have a Happy Relationship and Keep Your Values Intact

If you are knee deep in trying to find a relationship, maintain or sustain a relationship then you need to think seriously about your Fatal Flaws. Not your own mind you, but those... Read More

Am I Weird If I Date Online?

True story: A few years back I was working with a client who had recently moved to Los Angeles. She was single, did not know many people in the big city, and felt... Read More

From Pen Pal Romance to Online Dating

While dating in person usually starts with physical attraction, dating online or pen pal romance often starts with the echo of souls. When the appearance and thoughts are in harmony, we fall in... Read More

Who Says Online Datings Only For Losers?

I let that friend talk me into browsing some pictures on one of the more popular dating sites. I had to say, there were some pretty decent looking men on there. Their profiles... Read More

Top Ten Ways to Set Appropriate Expectations for Dating

1) Give yourself time to get back into the groove of datingIf you haven't dated in a while it may require an investment of time and effort on your part if you are... Read More

Online Dating Safety - Tackling Internet Crime

Online dating is a great way to contact and meet new people. Either for free or for a small fee you can have access to thousands of singles looking for love.However it is... Read More

Dating Tips that Work- Which of the Three Types of Women Should You be Dating?

When most "dating gurus" and sex therapists spout their dating tips, they often complicate the whole process with unusable theory and psychobabble.I'm going to bypass that, make it brain-dead simple for you, and... Read More

No More Desperation Dating

When you think about what you find attractive in a person, what comes to mind? Tall, dark and handsome? Blonde and curvaceous?How about happy and fulfilled with an exciting life?I don't know about... Read More

The Most Important Question to Ask on a First Date

First dates can be pretty daunting experiences, but they can be downright annoying or painful if both parties are not on the same page from the beginning. Being 'on the same page' means... Read More

Is Somebody Interested In You?

How can you tell if a somebody is interested in you?I am asking you this because if you wish to any control of your dating life, your personal life, and even your business... Read More

A Revolution Has Come To Online Dating

There is truly a revolution going on in the online dating services industry. And it is one that is far overdue. For years online dating has been provided by websites that provide access... Read More

Dating Advice for Men: Why Some Women Like Em Younger

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Madonna and Guy Ritchie. Your old high school English teacher and... your best buddy?! Hey, it could happen. These days, if an older woman wants a baby, she... Read More

Best Places to go on a Date

Does the waiter know how you like your steak, and more about your love life than you do yourself? You are stuck in a "boring-dates syndrome"! Or perhaps you are conducting a psychological... Read More

Dating Personals! Incredibly Successful, But How Does It Work?

Dating personals offer online dating singles a quick and easy path to quality matchmaking features, and it has become incredibly successful! Dating online services have produced exciting dating tools that help you establish... Read More

When Should You Give Up on Chasing a Woman?

This week I want to discuss chasing women, or rather I should say, when is the best time to give up on chasing a particular woman?When you keep chasing a woman that you're... Read More

Dating Sites for You and Me

Have you seen a dating site? Would you want to see one? How many people have met their loved-ones through chatrooms and online dating? Introducing DATING SITES. The known region and favorite stops... Read More

Attract the Love of Your Life

Have you heard about the technique Olympic athletes use to help them win gold medals?In addition to conventional practice, they do some critical mental work as well. They close their eyes and "see"... Read More

Online Dating Safety

Online dating safety warning signs.Online dating is a brilliant and increasingly popular way to meet new people whether to for friendships or take it that step further but you should always do your... Read More

The Joy Of Dating Again: Self-Empowering Keys

For some, the idea of dating again can be intimidating or even scary. For others, it means an experience full of expectations and adventures. Whatever your idea of dating again may be, one... Read More