Under Their Thumb - Tripping The Parental Triggers!

Some of my clients have come to me feeling like their worlds were not under their own control. They felt as though everyone else ran their lives and had some aspect of control in everything that they did. I asked them to note some specific situations in which they felt this way and how they felt "out of control" of the situation. It's interesting to note that in every circumstance, there was some aspect of "guilt" or "second-guessing" involved. Indeed, these are the purest signs of self-relinquished control.

There are many ways that people can feel "loss of control" in their lives. We can lose control through frustration and burn-out, living in a rut, stagnation, illness, change, and trauma. However, one of the most common is unconsciously giving up control to others. This is an unconscious act involving two or more parties where party "A" literally hands over the reins to party "B".

At one time, "parental voices" controlled and molded our lives. These are the voices and rules provided by authority, family, and friends from whom our core belief systems evolved. However, some external influences and people can re-engage that basic instinct for seeking parental acceptance simply by imposing doubt into your world. By accepting the guilt or self-doubt imposed by others, you begin to live in someone else's "context". You surrender your own belief systems and adopt those of the other party. In doing so, you begin to live by the rules and controls of the other person.

One of the more common areas in which this occurs is in a professional or group setting where power and control are part of the environment. Many politically savvy individuals ("A") will take control of others ("B") simply by learning their ways, gaining their trust, and then embedding doubt or a feeling of non-acceptance. In this way, "A" is now subconsciously seen as the parental figure and "B" requires acceptance from "A". "A" is now in control of "B". Over time, "B" grows to feel animosity towards "A", but is usually unsure why except for the fact that "B" doesn't like the way that "A" treats them.

Once you fall into this situation, it is difficult to break free. You have to go through and undo the web of emotions and doubt that now clouds your thinking. However, you have to realize that it's not so much how "A" treats you as it is how you feel about your view of their treatment. By separating your ego and emotions from the situation, you are better able to break free from the reins of self-relinquished control. But, it's not so much that they have explicit control over you as it is that you are merely seeking their acceptance. It's an interesting situation to observe!

The best way to prevent such situations from occurring is to go through your own psyche and find out which "parental voices" are still present and dislodge them. You need to replace the old, worn out parental triggers with your own rules for your evolving belief systems. Of course, we usually just leave these voices where they are out of comfort and because they seem to work. However, these are triggers that can be tripped to cause us to fall into this loss-of-control scenario.

I recall one young man who, once he finished college, simply hung out in a local pub. He could not figure out what to do with his life. His parents had passed on, he had no other relatives around, so he just "waited" for anyone and anything that tripped his triggers. Because of this, he ended up in trouble from time to time because he was easily misled by people who gave him what he wanted --- acceptance and direction. After much work and planning, he began to move forward in his life and is slowly becoming a success in his own right. But, as you can see, these types of situations are very common and can occur just about anytime to anyone. I've also seen such issues occur with abused women, corporations, and myriad other inter-personal situations. People tend to sit and wait for acceptance and guidance from others because they relinquished control.

Live your own life by replacing these triggers with your own rules for living. You will never obtain acceptance from everyone as the rest of the world is out seeking acceptance as well. It's a never-ending cycle! Learn to accept yourself as, in the long run, you are the only person who has a stake in your own decisions and endeavors for a self-fulfilling life.

About The Author

Edward B. Toupin is an author, publisher, life-strategy coach, counselor, Reiki Master, technical writer, and PhD Candidate living in Las Vegas, NV. Among other things, he authors books, articles, and screenplays on topics ranging from career success through life organization and fulfillment. Check out some of his recent print and electronic books as well as his articles covering various life-changing topics! For more information, and to find out about his upcoming title on book publishing, e-mail Edward at etoupin@toupin.com or visit his site at http://www.toupin.com!

Copyright (c) 2004 Edward B. Toupin

---

In Pursuance of Your Dream Career

What do u wanna be when you grow up?" " I don't wanna grow up"!! How lovely it would be if we don't grow up and be a child forever?The teacher asked her... Read More

Ask yourself, So what?

Neil Armstrong made his first moon walk on July 20, 1969, two months before I entered college. I remember that many Americans were euphoric about this accomplishment. There were songs written, celebrations, ticker... Read More

Elephants Are Really Big, Arent They?

In fact, this very type font I am using is called Elephant! I looked around and I didn't find any type fonts named Ant or Dog or Cat, Just Elephant.Ok, so what's the... Read More

New Years Resolutions? Dont Be So Hard On Yourself

Have you set resolutions for yourself to accomplish in 2005? Maybe you want to get more exercise, eat healthier, or spend more time with your family. If you're in business for yourself, maybe... Read More

Personal Development - The Plan

(excerpted from the Jim Rohn One-Year Success Plan - Week Two)Hi, Jim Rohn here and welcome to Week Two. Again, what an exciting opportunity to be able to take this next step together... Read More

Be Discontented With The Status Quo

It is natural to be satisfied with the way things are; but the moment we settle for how things are, we give up the opportunity to experience how things could be. Life is... Read More

Setting Goals and Achieving Them

Whatever you want in life, you have far more chance of achieving it if you set a clear goal, written down, with a definite time scale.For example, if you want to lose weight,... Read More

The Influence of People Who Surround You

It is known that the human body sends out vibrations: some are positive, while others are negative. We have orbits formed by people who surround us and with whom we associate closely throughout... Read More

Improve Your Self Confidence

Knowing yourself is the foundation of self-esteem, self confidence and personal development. Man has been seeking himself since the days of the Oracle of Delphi. "Know yourself" said the Oracle, but she spoke... Read More

Set SMART Goals to Achieve More

Are you having trouble achieving your goals, or getting through a period of no success? Then take the time to learn how to set SMART goals. Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Tangible.Specific Setting... Read More

Ten of My Favorite Quotes About Goals

1. Duke (Edward Kennedy) Ellington (1899-1974) American Composer Bandleader and Pianist"A goal is a dream that has an ending."2. Napoleon Hill"A goal is a dream with a deadline."3. Zig Ziglar"Goals are dreams we... Read More

Achieve Your Goals By Doing Something About Them

The title of this article sounds simplistic but it is amazing how often people (including me) sit staring at a problem like mounting paperwork and become so depressed by the thought of all... Read More

Goal Setting - Forget About It

Many motivational speakers and self-help books will tell you that you must have goals. I've even advocated goal setting myself in the past. You write down your goals and detail them for family... Read More

Fear the Future? Dont.

In one sense there are three parts of our lives. Past, present and future. How each of these is viewed has huge consequences.The past:If one looks back at the past for anything other... Read More

10 Keys To Personal Goal Setting

Does personal goal setting work? Many people want things, situations or accomplishments, call these goals, and then are disappointed when they don't get them. Call desires goals if you want, but just naming... Read More

The Guide To Keeping New Years Resolutions

The New Year is quickly creeping up on us. Do you have a New Year's Resolution? Well, if you're like most Americans (88 percent in 2001 according to a General Nutrition Centers poll),... Read More

Where has All the Time Gone?

We live in a busy society. We may have demanding jobs, children, families and many other "important" things that hoover up all of our time, and before we know it, Christmas is looming... Read More

Lifes Values

Over time I have come to realize that the three most important subjects in the world to man are sex, property and religion. By the first we create life, by the second we... Read More

A Proper Mission Statement Can Drive Your Life Forward

Most people measure us by our accomplishments -- what we've done. In my experience, most people compile their track record of accomplishments BY MISTAKE; that is, we don't have a plan, we simply... Read More

Go For Success! Creating Business and Personal Goals that Inspire and Motivate

Are you feeling motivated to set some strong goals for this year? Write down those New Year's resolutions and get going, right? Most people write down lofty resolutions that they think they should... Read More

Goal Setting and Goal Getting: Here Are Some Quotes that Can Change Your Life

Here are several quotes about setting and achieving goals. My comments follow.The weakest ink is better than the strongest memory. - John RickenbackerDo you want to dramatically increase the likelihood of you meeting... Read More

The Secret of Overcoming Procrastination in 4 Simple Steps

Let's face it. Overcoming procrastination can be a challenge if you don't know what's causing it in the first place. These 4 simple steps will help you find the REAL cause of procrastination... Read More

Get It Done-Or 3 Ways to Advance Your Goals

1. WORK WITH THE END IN MIND- OR FOCUS ON SUCCESS"Beginning with the end in mind is the endowment of imagination . If you are the programmer, write the program", says, goal expert-... Read More

Resolution: Stop Dieting for the Health of it!

"Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink,... Read More

Eight Steps to Taking Control of Every Situation in Your Life!

Like it or not, we are all gladiators. We go to sleep and wake up in a social arena from which there is no escape. Challenge upon challenge confronts us, walls restrain us,... Read More

Under Their Thumb - Tripping The Parental Triggers!

Some of my clients have come to me feeling like their worlds were not under their own control. They felt as though everyone else ran their lives and had some aspect of control... Read More

Challenge the Universe: Demand Your Desires!

There have been so many times in my life where I have run into a series of obstacles that never seemed to stop. I could handle each and every one, but after a... Read More

Focus = Clarity

Photographs are clearer when they are in focus. When they are out of focus, they are blurry, indistinct. How many times have you been disappointed by the result when the focus was off?... Read More

You Are What You Do!

Too often, people say one thing and do another. I admit that I have often slid into this rut and thought about how I need to do something (lose weight for example) and... Read More