Whens Sarah Coming Home? Helping Your Child Understand Death

For most children, their first experience with grief comes with the death of a beloved family pet. When Zoe the eight-week old puppy dies of parvovirus or Tweety the budgie stops singing his morning song, a child experiences profound and lasting loss for the first time in their young lives.

Children want and need to know about death, yet we are often reluctant - even squeamish - when talking about it. Conversations with kids about death can be extremely difficult, but they are so important. Helping children understand the death of their pet may arm them with the skills they need to cope and grieve effectively when someone they love dies. Everyone experiences a sense of shock when death occurs, and this is especially true for children. They have no prior experience, and usually no information to help them comprehend what "dead forever" means.

Death and grief are extremely difficult human emotions, therefore, there is no right or wrong way to deal with death. As adults, our reactions to death are a product of societal attitudes and the beliefs and culture of the family from which we came.

When a family member dies, children express their grief differently depending on their age. An infant may become irritable and fussy. A pre-schooler lives in a magical world, so death isn't permanent for them. They may alternate between seeing death as temporary and reversible to understanding that death is forever. Children ages six to 12 have a more mature understanding of death and teenagers have an adult understanding of death, but has fewer coping skills.

Let's look at Justin's first experience with death:

Justin's is 5 years old and lives with his mom and dad and brand new sister Sarah. One morning, Justin wakes up to mom's tears and runs to Sarah's room to find mommy and daddy crying. Daddy ushers Justin out of the room and tells him quietly that Sarah isn't going to wake up today.

Justin is scared and confused. Justin has never seen Daddy cry. Dad is his hero. He makes Justin feel safe. What could be so horrible that it would make Daddy cry? Daddy spends the morning talking to Justin while mom and Grandma Jane go in and out of the house, crying and Sarah is taken away by strange people that Justin does not know.

After lunch, Justin goes to Sarah's room to look for her. They always take an afternoon nap together. But Sarah isn't there. "When will Sarah be home?" Justin asks his daddy. Daddy holds Justin as he tells him "Sarah won't be coming home, honey, Sarah has died. She stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating. We're all so very sad. Why don't we sit together and remember some of the funny things she used to do." Justin turns his blue eyes to look at Daddy "No, it's okay Daddy. She'll be home later."

As the days go on from the time of Sarah's death, mom and dad are caught up in funeral preparations and Justin continues in his insistence that his sister will come home. As family gathers and the days get closer to the services his parents remain with growing concern for his belief.

Parents should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family. It is normal during the weeks following the death for some children to feel immediate grief or persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. But long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief is unhealthy and can later surface in more severe problems.

Once children accept the death, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving relatives should spend as much time as possible with the child, making it clear that the child has permission to show his or her feelings openly or freely.

Parents with children experiencing grief should:

• Provide age-appropriate information regarding the loss
• Give the child space for them to emote. (Encouragement to discuss his or her innermost fantasies, fears, thoughts, and feelings.)
• Be aware of their own emotional availability: Your child needs someone who will listen. Reach our for support from others if you are unable to provide that support to your child at this time.

Warning signs include:

• changes in sleep, appetite, school performance, or social interaction
• verbal/non-verbal messages of wanting to join the deceased (drawings, behaviors, or statements)

Keep In Mind: Children need to be assured that death is not the end-that love never dies. Just because the person is no longer living, doesn't mean we don't still love them. You are the expert of your child and always reach for assistance from a professional if you have any questions.

Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which is responsible for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures and teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in attendance.

Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the "Keep 'Em Off My Couch" blog, provides real simple answers for solving life's biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at http://drsophy.com

---

Watching Death

Like it or not, we think in line with our customs and tradition often times, right down to the level of how we think of death, or about death. I was a licensed... Read More

Afraid Of Dying? Afraid Of Living!

Over the years, I've heard many people voice their concerns of death and dying. It wasn't that they had any maladies that would cause them to die any time soon, but they were... Read More

After Suicide: Returning to Life, Thanks to an Owl

Have you ever lost the ability to laugh? I did.When Arlyn died, I knew I would never laugh again. After all, my child had taken her own life; she had died by suicide.How... Read More

How to Deal with Suffering

Reflect upon the following questions, and answer those you feel might be most important for those who are most concerned about this topic.QUESTIONNAIRE ON HOW TO COPE WITH SUFFERING1- If there is a... Read More

Dealing With Grief and Loss - How to Mend a Broken Heart

What is it about Grief & Loss that upsets us so much? Is it the heavy duty emoting that we have to do to get through our suffering? Is it the fear we... Read More

Whats It All About?

For most people life is a fairly ordinary existence - and when I say ordinary I mean a contented, 'far from perfect' way of life. And that's okay? until something major happens to... Read More

Tenderizing

Recently, the magazine I own and edit got a hate letter that was so full of venom and hostility, it gave me shivers. The ultra-religious lady who wrote it is young and passionate... Read More

Suicide - An Eternal Pain

Suicide is the one form of death that has quite a stigma attached to it. It brings with it a feeling of shame and betrayal. It is not the same as saying to... Read More

Miracles?

If we were to organize a list of the thorniest problems for the bereaved, certainly somewhere near the top would be the question of miracles. Everybody has heard anecdotal stories of certain people... Read More

Coping With A Funeral

When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or whether it was expected or not, you will find yourself having to deal with a great number of people. Some you will know... Read More

What this Rabbi Learned from Not being Re-hired

It's a familiar story, and I have been through it before, and so have you. In January the Synagogue Personnel Committee told me that they were recommending that the synagogue not renew my... Read More

Dying? Not Me! Why You Should Plan for Transition

Remember the Eulogy projects we had to write back in High School? Death is a tough subject to broach, and many would rather deny death then embrace it. Someone once said, "...There are... Read More

When The Spirit Leaves The Body

Do you spend most of your time inside or outside of your body? If you know what I'm talking about then I can almost certainly say that you have spent some time outside... Read More

Pet Loss: Significant and Profound Loss or Much Ado about Nothing?

For those who have deeply loved and lost their animal companions, the answer is obvious and yet disturbing. There are still far too many people in our culture who minimize and trivialize the... Read More

On Empathy

The Encyclopaedia Britannica (1999 edition) defines empathy as:"The ability to imagine oneself in anther's place and understand the other's feelings, desires, ideas, and actions. It is a term coined in the early 20th... Read More

Death Poem

During the two years of my husband's terminal illness, death was never far from my mind. We had been told he was dying and even a time in which it was supposed to... Read More

Adapting to the Loss of a Loved One: Three Tips on how to Cope

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and... Read More

A Critical Assessment of Euthanasia

The question of whether, say, a man should have the right to take away his life granted pain and suffering have overcome him is a very important question today. A different way of... Read More

How to Deal With A Death in the Family and Still Run Your Small Business

As a small business owner we have to deal with tax law changes, local ordinances, environmental laws, Worker's Compensation, etc. Just when we thought we had everything under control, something terrible happenes. A... Read More

Grief & Loss - Healing Your Broken Heart

What is it about Grief & Loss that upsets us so much? Is it the heavy duty emoting that we have to do to get through our suffering? Is it the fear we... Read More

Moving Beyond Grief and Loss

In my work as a coach and therapist, I have seen many clients dealing with losses of all kinds-loss of loved ones through death and divorce, for instance. These experiences are difficult for... Read More

Suicide in the Church Part 1

Recently, several suicides have occurred right here in my own hometown of about 16,000 people. The latest of these involved a friend of mine who was, among other things, the leader of a... Read More

Online Monument ? An Ever-lasting Tribute to Your Departed Loved Ones

Memories are never to be buried along with the loss of our very loved ones. To be forever remembered as someone whom we always love, they always should be.However sadly to be saying,... Read More

Liberation

It is one thing to be free; it is quite another to be liberated. Liberation implies that freedom was absent for a time, and there was bondage. Though it may seem like a... Read More

Terminal Illness- Death and Grief

No one likes to think about illness and death, when we are well, we feel invincible and there is nothing that can prepare us for the shock and devastation of a terminal diagnosis.... Read More

Suicide in the Church Part 2

In a town the size of mine - about 16,000 - can a few suicides within a 90-day period be considered an epidemic? I'd say so. Quite a few Christians have contacted me... Read More

Graceful Grief: Angelic Help is on the Way!

I believe that major change and loss in our lives is a door to grow ourselves, to become more loving, compassionate and accepting towards others and ourselves. We have choices that determine what... Read More

How Long Does It Take to Mend a Broken Heart?

Julian Austin, Canadian country singer, released a song called Should Be Over You. He sings, How long does it take to mend a broken heart? After the heartache and tears, lonely and hurting,... Read More

Euthanasia: How Will I Know When its Time?

Pippin needed assistance from his owner to get to his feet. He slowly walked to the door, then needed help once again to step down onto the back porch. With a slight groan,... Read More