A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they're boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

---

Funny Things We Dream

I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready to start the day. When I was younger I'd whack the alarm clock, for the fourth time, grumble out of bed and stomp... Read More

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?A: Something a person slips on... Read More

11 Alternative Garden Games

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here... Read More

[Not So] Outgoing Mail

I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail. I mean, I understand it in theory, but today I tried talking to it and it didn't even respond. What's so outgoing about... Read More

To See Or Not To See

I went to the eye doctor the other day. I thought it was time to have my eyes checked. It turned out to also be a reality picture checkup.I enter the office to... Read More

The Hidden Driveway

I won't lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I'd even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can... Read More

The Spare Parts Gremlins

Don't you just love getting a little something extra? Sure you do. Everybody does. That's why Online marketers throw in 36 bonus ebooks with that little software item they are peddling.But a little... Read More

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-13-05

Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a football game. I do not understand this event. Can you explain it? -- Sport WatcherThis game begins with the entrance of referees, people... Read More

3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas Prices

I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps... Read More

How To Get Attention, or: As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!

We all want attention. As children we crave the attention of our parents. Later in life, we want to be seen and noticed by friends and family. And when running most any type... Read More

Very Precise Fortune Cookies

I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little slip of paper on the inside. Immediately I realized that it had been written by a weather forecaster."You will be approached in the... Read More

Slip-sliding On A Peel

Every day, or at least every other day, we make a fruit smoothie at mid morning. Almost without fail, these smoothies contain bananas; so, we go through about 10 or 12 bananas a... Read More

Eye Spy Potatoes

Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my contact lenses still in my eyes. And by "lately," I mean for the past seven years. This, in a lot of ways, is... Read More

Maybelle Misfire Joins Mega Corp

To: Maybelle Misfire From: I. M.. Power, VP Welcome aboard! Delighted you have accepted a position as planning analyst with Mega Corp. See you in September, as they say.To: Maybelle Misfire From: Nefarious... Read More

Nine Movies That Make You Want To Yell, Stop Saying That

Movie moments are nice things to share with the people you care about. Most of those shared moments consist of "Remember that one part when the guy with the thing?" and before they... Read More

Internet is My True Agent

You know the type -- that doodling type. Every time there is a pen and paper on the table, they will be sketching something down, with a mysterious smile, giggling quietly and making... Read More

When Humans and Dogs Collide: Negotiations for Todays Changing Times

This morning I decided to find myself. I originally looked forward to the spiritual journey that would define who I was as a person. But then I looked into my mirror and realized... Read More

Humans are like Monkeys

Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much different in their abilities to reason. Why is this? We mimic, copy, imitate that which we see. This is a common thing that... Read More

Military Wives

I feel now is the perfect time to address the conflict service-members face when balancing between what they feel are infringements upon their civil... Read More

Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week." OK, so I can be a little candid every now and then. It's not something I would say to... Read More

Bed Bugs Bite

I just turned on the news a minute ago and wondered why there weren't news flashes regarding when -- and perhaps where -- people are turning on the news. Sometimes it is a... Read More

Computers According to Carol

A is for Anti-Virus: she got it from my Uncle.B is for Backup: always look in your rear view mirror first.C is for Caddy: part of computer that holds a coffee cup.D is... Read More

Not Your Average Sunday Morning

Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his vacation. In the course of small talk, a few old memories usually crop up in the conversation. One that instantly came to mind... Read More

The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1

Have you ever heard that saying, "The show must go on"? When you hear it, you think of what is commonly referred to as "Show-biz," don't you? But where can you go to... Read More

A French Teachers Memories: First Day at School

Despite my diplomas that allowed me to teach in state secondary schools, and my requests, I had been appointed to teach to a sixth-grade class. At least, I almost worked in my backyard.... Read More

Saving SpongeBob Using High Tech

Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobsSpongeBob has been in the news a lot lately, he has been a kidnapped Victim. Instead of wasting time with an Amber Alert for SpongeBob, why not... Read More

Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions. Lactose intolerant individuals have huge problems with gas from the inability to process certain dairy products and foods. Therefore such an individual after... Read More

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy(or Girl... Or at least Make Sure they're a Good Money Manager!! ha,ha!)Here are some little tips so you can at least spot a wealthy (or soon-to-be-wealthy) guy:1.... Read More

And the World Goes Round

If you are a citizen of UK or Australia, you are permitted to snicker at this problem. Anchorage, Alaska, just opened its first two roundabouts at a major intersection.Not a big deal if... Read More