For Old Times Sake

Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 19, 2002

I am currently going through a divorce, and we've been negotiating the terms of the settlement for a year and a half without agreement. I have started a relationship with another woman, but I'm in a saddening, irresponsible situation that was mischievously planned by the ex.

About four months ago I went to the ex's to pick up our two young children. She begged me to have sex with her one last time, and she swore she would leave me alone forever if I did this. She desperately begged, begged, and begged.

I told her it was over. I told her it didn't make any sense. But I was a stupid irresponsible idiot and gave into her, thinking I would get rid of her once and for all. Right after, I knew I'd made another stupid mistake.

About a month later, in an odd and happy manner, she told me she was pregnant. Under the circumstances I thought she should be devastated. I'm angry because I know she planned this to make me go back to her. That couldn't be further from what I want.

Outside of this incident, I hadn't touched her in over a year. This mistake happened only because I wanted her to leave me alone forever as she promised. I know I'm partly to blame because no one put a gun to my head. If this child is mine, I will pay for my legal responsibilities.

Anyway, I want to grow in my relationship with this other woman. I have known her for six years, and we connect on all levels. But I've lost her trust. She wants to be with me, but she is having a difficult time in getting through this and I don't blame her.

Teddy

Teddy, begging for sex one last time for old time's sake sounds suspiciously like something a man would say. It is not in a woman's repertoire. An alarm should have gone off in your head, the one that says the world has suddenly turned upside down.

Even in a situation which was totally unreal you acted like a caveman. The last thing you are going to get from a woman who begs for unprotected sex one last time is left alone. Revenge, pay backs, and blackmail maybe. But left alone? Never.

You ignored the alarms about your wife, and you ignored the alarms about ruining your new relationship. I understand why your girlfriend has a problem with this. The story itself sounds like a male fantasy.

Your girlfriend put herself in an emotionally vulnerable situation because she didn't wait until you were divorced before getting so deeply involved. What makes it doubly worse for her is that, because of your children, she has no guarantee you won't be "begged" again by your wife.

This isn't going to end for her. Because of your children, she can't tell you never to see that woman again. Your girlfriend may very well decide this is not something she is going to be able to endure. It's for her to decide. You showed a lack of character. This is really about doing the right thing in each moment.

Tamara

Doing The Math

My boyfriend purchased a house three years ago for $380,000. He put $20,000 down. He plans to refinance for $400,000. He plans an addition to the house for $50,000. How much should I pay to become equal partner?

Cornelia

Cornelia, this sounds like one of those algebra word problems I could never solve. If John is twice as old as Ted, and Roberto is five years older than John, how old is Ted's twin, Chris?

Algebra always confused me, but in this case I think I know the answer. Buying a home with a boyfriend usually turns into a legal problem . Until your status is more permanent, find another way to invest in real estate.

Wayne

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Borne Upon the Wings of Words

How often do you have opportunities every day to exercise your power of communication--encouraging a coworker, appreciating a spouse, guiding a child?Whenever I visit the Washington, DC area, I usually present a seminar... Read More

Israel Is My Son

"And thou shalt say unto Pharoah, Thus saith the Lord, "Israel is my son, even my first-born. And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me;and if thou... Read More

Dont Ask Your Doctor

Perhaps I should ask my doctor if there is a drug to take to combat frustration from seeing so many drug ads. You know the ones I'm talking about. They always start out... Read More

Two Drops Of Water

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 17, 2002My problem is that I am falling in love. My friend and I are both 23. He lives in the United States, seven... Read More

My Next Year With Jesus (Joyful Reflections On My Walk With The Lord)

The one question I keep coming back to is..."Am I involved with life the way God wants me to be involved?"That's it. Nothin' fancy.Now two related questions for you:1. If that question doesn't... Read More

Moneys Sad Lack of Intrinsic Value

A good number of my columns deal with finances and money-related issues. Obviously, these are issues we have to confront everyday. However, I have to try to keep in mind the fact that... Read More

You Are a Beautiful Person

I wish that I could tell every person that I meet that he or she is a beautiful person--and have them believe it. I wish I could look them in the eyes and... Read More

Giving Importance

I call myself semi-retired. I work at a job that takes up 5 hours of my day, 5 days a week. I go home and I lock myself in my office and I... Read More

A Childs Plight

In the streets of Bogot?, a child - named Simon* - wanders amidst the crowd. He is a lonely soul, lost in the multitude, forgotten by humanity, rejected by his society.He looks like... Read More

The Art of Letting Go

It has been six months since I left the corporate world ? and there are some things I will always miss. Like saying good morning to colleagues on my way to the office... Read More

What is My Life Purpose?

Why am I here?If you haven't already asked this question, I'm sure you will. Sooner or later most of us do.It's not an easy question to answer. It's broad in terms of possibility.Right... Read More

Neither A Borrower

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 4, 2002I moved from Los Angeles to Europe with my husband and children. My sister's husband left her with three children. She sent an... Read More

The Seasons Of Life, Part 4 of 5

This week is Part Four of our five part series on The Season's of Life.In Part One of the series we discussed:a) That life is about constant, predictable patterns of change.b) For all... Read More

Confidence Building Steps That Work Like Crazy!

Self-confidence is your assessment of your own self-worth. It plays a large part in determining your happiness through life. So how do you create confidence? Well here's a surprise - you take action!... Read More

Relax. Its Just Your Life

What am I supposed to do with my life? Shouldn't I be doing something...well...more? These questions haunt everyone from time to time. Personally, I can't count the number of times my acquaintances and... Read More

You Are The One, There is No One Else

At the time I created my web site, I was looking for that one special person that would read something on my site or in my books or articles and become inspired. I... Read More

Giving Life Meaning

Have you thought about what you want people to say about you after you're gone? Can you hear the voices saying, "He was a great man." Or "She really will be missed." What... Read More

Future Prediction

Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 13, 2004I'm in a long-distance relationship that is five months old; of those five months we have spent a total of 15 days together... Read More

Self Esteem - What It Really Is and How to Raise It

Self esteem.Now there's a well used and little understood term. Self esteem seems to be one of those terms that we frequently use without really knowing exactly what it means. Just what is... Read More

On Sunsets and Telecom

Another perfect sunset seen from Redondo Beach, California. Since arriving here in June I've had the pleasure of watching many sunsets while jogging or walking along the Redondo "Strand," and have yet to... Read More

Why Read Inspirational Quotes?

Maybe you've heard this one:"What does it profit a man to have gained the whole world, and to have lost his soul?" - Jesus ChristInspirational quotes and sayings from the present day or... Read More

Super Powers

It is fun to watch movies of those with super powers. It sparks the imagination to watch their feats of great strength, lightening speed and great leaping ability. We can escape for a... Read More

Two Choices That can Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life

What if there were just two choices you could make to insure that next year would be wonderful? There actually are, and these choices are quite simple in concept, yet not easy to... Read More

Why My Wife Is My Hero

My name is Chas Brothers. Many of you know me as an author of motivational articles directed towards both big and small business alike. As writers, we draw upon our knowledge and experience... Read More

?Back to CYA on a Mission?

Six former wards came back to the California Youth Authority (CYA) earlier this month. This time they volunteered to return. They were on a mission to deliver a message to the wards at... Read More

A Global Empathy Deficit- 2 Lessons

"...We've got a budget deficit that's important, we've got a trade deficit that's critical, but what I worry most is our empathy deficit." ? Interview in O Magazine with Barack Obama.Perhaps this is... Read More

Good Morning... Please...Thank-you!!

When I was a child, I remember that my parents instilled these words into my brain. At first, it seemed difficult to remember these 3 little phrases and I had to be constantly... Read More

Do You Have a Vision?

You must absolutely have a vision, or a dream, for your life. Your dream is what will cause you to jump out of bed in the morning instead of waking up with anxiety... Read More

Your Turn On The Holodeck

Good morning Roy, good morning Joseth.Roy? You have in your world's history a wonderful example of what life is all about in the physical world and what it is that you are doing... Read More