Secrets Exposed

Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 13, 2003

I've been friends with "Jenny" for three years after my husband and I started a business with her husband. When her husband decided he didn't want to come to work anymore, we pretty much took his name off the business, and they stopped calling and coming over.

We would call, but they'd never answer or return our calls. Through another friend we learned they split up. I had some information about Jenny's husband I thought she needed to know, so I met with her. I told Jenny her husband cheated enough for an entire football team.

Jenny told me she never called because her husband said we didn't pay him an even share of the business profits. Even though we didn't have to, we showed her proof we paid him right. After all that we became friends again. We hung out every other day and talked on the phone every morning.

Jenny even found a guy to like her and her two kids. She seemed really happy and believe me, if you knew her, a piece of chocolate would make her happier than she ever was in her marriage. The only thing is, she dumped the new guy. Then suddenly she stopped calling and coming over.

Yesterday I went to her house and her ex was there. I turned around and left. I'm pretty sure the only reason she wants to be with him is because he is the father of her kids, but she is willing to give up her friendship with me for him. I know what you're thinking, same as my husband, she never really was my friend if she would do this.

I wrote her a letter in hopes of getting my friend back, but I'm not sure it will do any good. What else, if anything, should I do?

Tara

Tara, what your husband said is not quite right. It isn't that Jenny never was your friend; it's that you can't root for both teams in a basketball game. Jenny was faced with two competing realities. Either her husband is a good person worthy of respect, or her husband is untrustworthy.

While Jenny was with you she could cast her marriage in one light, but once she went back to him, she had to recast her marriage in a different light. She couldn't hold both pictures in her mind at the same time.

Your experience is a familiar one. Often when a couple breaks up, a friend of one of them will share in all the secrets of the marriage. If the couple gets back together, that friend will be left out in the cold because they know too much. That is what happened to you.

While Jenny's husband is in her life, she will not be your friend.

Wayne & Tamara

Star Struck

I am dating the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I love her more than anything in the world. Obviously there is a problem, or I wouldn't be writing. My girlfriend is extremely jealous, especially of celebrities. She wouldn't talk to me for three days after she asked if I thought actress Eliza Dushku was attractive, and I said yes.

I never look at other women, and she seems only to be jealous of celebrities who are way out of my league. Not too many movie stars hang out in my small town in Ohio. What should I do?

Dean

Dean, this could be something you can learn to live with, as long as you don't move to Hollywood. But we never suggest a person alter or change their actions for the sake of another's irrational jealousy.

If you change yourself for her, she will not respect you. She may be attractive enough to get any man to jump through hoops for her, but the man she settles down with will probably be a man who doesn't.

Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

A Path To Peace

The root of discord and violence between people and nations comes from our tendency to forget our humanity. We "forget" our true nature.Violence is a "learned" behavior. We "learn" it from our environment.... Read More

Financial Freedom Blues

Steps to Financial Freedom, roadmap to financial freedom, achieve financial freedom?Financial freedom seems to be the current buzzword in the world of self-improvement. This has spawned a new industry, and alongside it, some... Read More

Selfish Beings

Trouble, trouble, trouble. Nothing but trouble. The night before, I was just talking to a friend-cum-feng-shui master about the direction of my life. The horrible things that are currently going in my life... Read More

Growing From Good To Great

I have never been fond of white-water rafting, probably because I don't like cold water. The sport consists of a raft, fast moving cold water, raft riders, and a raft leader/guide. I once... Read More

Anam Chara - Healing the Heart Matters

Are you prepared to make your heart matter? Are you prepared to feel whole, happy and healed of any heartache?It does not surprise me our hearts are not whole (the root meaning of... Read More

Fulfilling Your Dreams: The Magic Of Starting

Fulfilling your dreams will remain a mirage if you simply sit down and dream on.You may have a dream of attaining financial freedom to go after your dreams, instead of doing what you... Read More

The Dead

Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 9, 2004I love my wife with all my heart and soul. She is now and will ever be the other half of my heart.... Read More

Charge Your Imagination (2)

As year 2004 winds up and professionals and corporate bodies plot strategies for business excellence in 2005 and beyond, it is time to put their Imagination to real work. In the first part... Read More

Boarded Windows

You know how images trigger emotions? You can see something that can leave you warm and fuzzy for hours or fill you with hope and wonder for days.Something that has always struck me... Read More

Lewis And Clark Pay Attention

As I write this Southern California has just ended its second week of triple digit temperatures. The intense heat changes the way we live and alters the rhythm of our days. We are... Read More

Your James Bond Fantasies Become Real

The problem with this is that fantasies usually don't come by chance. You have to plan them yourself. This seems to kill the very idea of a natural fantasy because you have to... Read More

Neither A Borrower

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 4, 2002I moved from Los Angeles to Europe with my husband and children. My sister's husband left her with three children. She sent an... Read More

I Dont Like This

You always do this wrong, how many times would I have to tell as to how to do the thing right, don't you understand to what I say, I am talking to you,... Read More

Life

Life is what happens to you, while you are making other plans. ( John Lennon )Truly, I think life has no surety. Whenever, we want to do something there is a new happening... Read More

Reality Check

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 16, 2002Two years ago I made the greatest mistake of my life. I started dating a coworker. She is this beautiful young girl that... Read More

The Right Approach

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 9, 2003I grew up in a happy, loving, stable home. My fiance was not as lucky. He was beaten by his parents and shuttled... Read More

The Power of the Tongue

There is an old proverb with a lot of wisdom. It says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and whoever loves it will eat its fruit."It is so true. What... Read More

Wake-Up Call

Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 7, 2002In the first half of May, I went through two remarkable changes. One was physical and the other involved emotional recall.The physical one... Read More

You Are So Unreal

Mankind's ability to give life to lifeless objects, gives rise to much of the grief and frustration that he brings upon himself. He animates, or humanizes all sorts of things and other creatures,... Read More

Giving Importance

I call myself semi-retired. I work at a job that takes up 5 hours of my day, 5 days a week. I go home and I lock myself in my office and I... Read More

A Life Time of Strategic Thinking

You may be one of the thousands who think "Strategic Thinking" applies only to the "captains" of business. But consider human stages of life and how Strategic Thinking is used at the most... Read More

Product Testing

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 24, 2002I suppose there are worse problems than having two men who want to share their life with me. However, it is a genuine... Read More

Believe In Yourself

Diana is a wonderful person with a great personality and a lot of talent. Anybody who knows her can easily see the talents that she possesses. Everybody, that is, except Diana.See, Diana has... Read More

What is the Meaning of Life?

A young man in search of enlightenment had traveled to Tibet at great expense and more than a little consternation amongst his family and friends. It was a week before he was allowed... Read More

Keep on Keeping on!

Whenever we are working on our dreams we are going to run into some road blocks or obstacles. The important thing for us to remember is that these are only temporary set backs.... Read More

Your True Talent Will Set You Free

When you get home from work, do you feel enriched, fulfilled and empowered? Or does it seem like you just finished an uphill battle on a treadmill? Imagine being paid to do what... Read More

Using Failure to Further Your Future

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." Margaret ThatcherFailure. Even the word sounds bad, doesn't it? That is because since the time we were just young children... Read More

Night of the Living Dead

For many people, life has become as dull and despairing as death. We suffer from spiritual inertia. We have allowed ourselves to be paralyzed by shallow beliefs and shackled by the strong chains... Read More

Need for a Belief System: A System of Organization for Your Experiences!

I've spoken with many people who, over time, have felt inundated by their lives. It seems as though they've accumulated all of these memories and experiences, but the information seems jumbled and overwhelming.... Read More