An Original Perspective on Waging Conflict as a Way to Promote and Restore Self-dignity

Conflict is a fact of life for all of us, but too many painful consequences are generated by avoiding or managing it in the wrong way. When we deal with everybody else day after day in any capacity as leaders or team managers, is inevitable that we will be personally confronted with conflict. Our jobs, our reputation and our own satisfaction level are contingent upon knowing a basic principle to understand interpersonal conflict. If you are a leader, you need to learn and apply this principle in all your interactions with people.

Concerning your original mindset, if you were growing in a family environment where conflict was seen at least as improper and at worst as a disgrace, you have learnt very early on to avoid it. It probably means that you will feel uncomfortable and scared by confrontations, and thus incapacitated to behave in a more balanced way. There is a simple principle that can help you view aggressive interactions through a new lens, and so help you to react in a more appropriate way.

In general, there is plenty of research that shows conflict as the point of confrontation between differing viewpoints. Since no two people view the world exactly the same way, disagreements are quite normal. In fact, anyone who agrees with you all of the time is probably telling you what you want to hear, not what he or she actually believes.

If we could separate logical from emotional aspects of conflict, it would be easier to deal with so many perceived differences. But the deep emotional roots of conflict ascribe different meanings to these differences, and being in any conflict also means to be risking some rejection, disapproval or love withdrawal, which is pretty emotionally painful.

Of course it is rather difficult to face these feelings, so rigid positions cover up anxiety and fear. We demand more and more when we are unable to face internal demands for recognition and support which, of course, are impossible to satisfy with requests for more money or concessions. Regardless, we continue pushing for more awards, making a win-lose victory an empty one.

So, here is the principle: Recognize the hidden signals of fear of rejection, isolation and lack of recognition under the escalating aggressive behavior displayed in front of you

Learn how to address specifically this point, as fast as you can.

Quite often, unrecognized frustration can lead to violence and other kind of aggressive behavior, as the means to find necessary redress. When the hope to obtain some recognition through conflict escalation is lost, what survives is the one-upmanship of competition, which recognizes no bounds set on self or other-preservation. The only thing that matters then is winning at all costs.

Now, we are going to examine three main areas where conflicts occur: in interpersonal one-on-one relationships; in meetings; and in negotiations. Although there are similarities between all of these areas, each one takes a slightly different slant depending on the setting where the conflict occurs. Let's take a look at each one in a little more detail and I will show you how to apply this principle.

Conflicts in interpersonal relationships

Sometimes in interpersonal relationships, such as those between you and one of your employees, or with a friend, there may be a conflict that you are not aware of. If someone who is normally upbeat and friendly toward you suddenly begins avoiding you or being silent or rude, there is usually a reason.

If the person has remained cheerful with everyone else except you, chances are you are dealing with a conflict situation. In these instances, you will want to address the problem by proceeding through the following steps.

• If you assume there is a problem, set up a private face-to-face meeting to discuss the problem with the other person.
• In a non-confrontational manner, ask the person if there is a problem. If his/her answer is "No", inform the person that you value so much the relationship that you will keep asking the question, because you've noticed the behavioral change. Don't go beyond this to assume that you know what the problem is, but let the person explain it, from his/her perspective.
• As you talk, ask for feedback: Am I right on this? Do not defend yourself, by "attacking" the other person with accusations, but listen with an open mind.
• Be sure to listen carefully and show respect for his opinion! Otherwise, you will lose all credibility.
• Take a few minutes to recycle the other person's opinions in your mind, and identify where his comments are right, according to her point of view: why the person experienced the situation as she did.
• The most gracious way out is not to self-defend, or explain or rationalize, but to thank for his/her input.

Now, invite a discussion on the best solution for both sides. "What do you think we could do?"

Conflicts in workplace meetings

Conflicts flaring in the open, in opportunities like meetings can be very disruptive. But they can also be very helpful, if you are prepared and don't take them as a public opportunity for humiliation. Remember, conflicts are disagreements of opinions, with an emotional component included.

The person disagreeing with you is probably raising valid questions, and it may benefit the group to address the issues they are presenting. In fact, by listening to them, you may gain valuable insight into what is and what is not working within your organization. Remember that everybody is watching you, so be gracious: appreciate the feedback and ignore the form.

However, when the person continues past the point of disagreement to the point of disruptiveness, it only means that albeit you have identified the logical aspect of the difference, and addressed it, emotional factors are still lingering on. This person has not received enough confirmation or recognition from you perhaps in other opportunities, and this meeting is another of them.

He is demanding now that this provision of recognition be made in a public setting, by confronting you. What can be done to address this specific kind of confrontation requires an honest assessment of your own leadership capacity, and some fast strategic changes.

Find in yourself the answers to some questions, as: Can you, publicly, find the "grain of truth" in the other person's position and acknowledge it? Can you find areas of agreement between the two positions, and reframe in such a way that both positions are equally included and valued? Can you invite this person to a compromise by including him into further decision-making processes? And, ahead in time, can you keep this person near you by inviting him/her to share his concerns with you in private?

The assumption that "meetings can get out of control," is no longer valid, if you know how to manage confrontations for what they are: a demand for your attention as the person who can validate, support and affirm a person's value.

Conflicts in negotiations

Negotiations are ways to find a middle point or a compromise when there is a difference in appreciations. When you are negotiating with your clients, vendors, or even your employees, it is important to always keep in mind the idea that both parties need to find a Win/Win situation, where both feel respected and appreciated by the other. No one wants to feel like they are giving away something for nothing, because it means that were taken advantage of and that impinges on their self-esteem.

In fact, most conflicts develop, according to our principle, because of one party's perception of being slighted, humiliated or taken advantage of.

In order to avoid these types of situations, there are certain ideas you can apply to increase your chances of a successful negotiation.

• Show appreciation and respect for the other person and his ideas. Avoid any negative or diminishing comment.
• From the beginning, be always the proponent of a courteous, clean process. Don't push or hurry the process, but give time for ideas and interaction to develop.
• Even when your perception tells you that you've been attacked, you can always choose to deny that. Stop cycles of defend-attack immediately, because they are non-productive and escalate fast!
• Try to understand the other person's perspective: communication is more than just listening; try to see their perspective as clearly as yours.
• Check your understanding and summarize often so both sides are always on the same page. Reframe the problem including both perspectives.
• If the matter is not a big concern for you, invite the other person to offer his solution first. Include his ideas with yours when presenting your own proposition.

Managing conflict is not repressing or controlling it, but identifying the hidden needs for recognition that promote the confrontation, and addressing them fast. You can see more applications of this Positive Conflict Principle in the e-book: "Positive Conflicts: How to fight fair and grow your relationships through confrontations into respect and understanding"

You are free to reproduce this article as long as no changes are made and the author's name and site URL are retained.

Neil Warner?2005 All Rights Reserved.

Neil Warner, Conflict Coach
You have the power to transform confrontation into cooperation!
http://www.positiveconflicts.com
Ask for your FREE 5 Lessons Coaching Program!
3415 Galt Ocean Mile, Fort Lauderdale, FL, 33308
Mail to: neil@positiveconflicts.com

---

Manage Communication to Add Value

Management guru Tom Peters says white collar workers and managers in functional departments need to protect their futures.They have to learn "the difference between doing totally acceptable work and creating very new value...."... Read More

Business Relationship Germs

In management seminars I often compare debt to an infection. A reasonable amount of debt will not kill a business, but too much debt will. While most businesses carry a substantial amount of... Read More

6 Ways to Keep Things Simple

Six Ways to Keep Things Simple We can have greater success with our Clients when we make our work processes and agreements simpler and more elegant. This article will give you ideas for... Read More

Dont Wait for Tax Time to Look at the Bottom Line

A curious thing happens to entrepreneurs in the spring of every year. They wake up one day and realize they had better figure out how much money they made last year so they... Read More

Crisis Management Essentials - How to Communicate Effectively During a Crisis, Emergency or Disaster

A crisis, emergency or disaster can happen at anytime and anywhere.Just ask the residents of Darwin in Australia's Northern Territory.Imagine a late afternoon on Christmas Eve thirty years ago, and looking outside to... Read More

Having Your Phil

February 2nd, at approximately 7:30 a.m. local time on Gobbler's Knob in a small town in western Pennsylvania, 20,000 people and a national radio and television audience anxiously await the prognostication of America's... Read More

Learn About Commercial Collections Agencies Fees

As with any other service, there are good and bad commercial collection agencies. Beware of any agency that offers you cut rate commissions far below the accepted Commercial Law League rates, offers you... Read More

Is A Bad Attitude Permanent

Today there is great weight put on a person's attitude. It is as if this is something for which they are individually responsible and should be held to account for.The inference seems to... Read More

Management Consultants, Creativity, Innovation

Most firms have intelligent, capable, knowledgeable managers who are very good at day-to-day problem solving. So why do they need management consultants? There are occasions when consultants bring in specialist competencies, but if... Read More

Avoid Outsourcing Pitfalls in the Injection Molds and Stamping Dies Markets

When looking to outsource overseas for Plastic Injection Molds or Stamping Dies there are many things to consider. Usually price is the first thing to be looked at, that's probably why you're looking... Read More

The Most Important Thing Youll Ever Do

The wellspring of confidence is belief. When you believe in something, you accept and have conviction about the truth, actuality, or validity of that thing. When the belief is about you, its called... Read More

Management Procedures Usability ? How to Improve

Are your people consistently following your procedures? Each year, organizations lose thousands of dollars through common mistakes and lapses in usability. But what does that mean for business owners and executives?Ask yourself: ?... Read More

Attract and Retain Positively Great Employees - An Action Plan for Employee Training

Everyday a business owner, CEO, or manager somewhere is complaining about the lack of good employees. On the same day, in a break room, employees are complaining about the lack of good jobs.... Read More

Six Sigma Training 101 ? Better Management Basics

What is Six Sigma?Six Sigma is a quality management program that is designed to achieve a "six sigma" level of quality for products. In the mid 1980s, Motorola pioneered Six Sigma and it... Read More

Knowledge Management: More Than Just Know-how!

People sometimes interchange the terms "know-how" and "knowledge", but there's a world of difference! Systems vendors are falling over themselves to sell you so-called "integrated knowledge management solutions", but these are rarely more... Read More

What Every Manager Should Know About How to Conduct Successful Training Activities

Whether you are training preschoolers in the classroom or executives in the board room, here are 15 premises you might want to keep in mind the next time you're designing training activities.1. Everybody... Read More

Saying One Thing, Doing Another...

This week I was asked to speak at an internal conference for a bank. The subject was how to build a great customer experience. However, the reality was somewhat different to the title.... Read More

Poor Employee Performance: How to Deal

KEEP WRITTEN RECORDS: "Document !Document! Document!" Keep a record of periodic performance reviews, incidents of unsatisfactory performance, conferences where warnings are administered or terminations are announced. Issue warnings and terminations in writing as... Read More

5 Ways of Increasing Business Profits

The economy may finally be turning around and showing signs of a rebound. Interest rates have begun to rise and the stock market is recovering from the lows it experienced in the last... Read More

Develop Your People and Make More Money

What is the no. 1 asset in your business beside yourself? It's your people.Then why is it they often fall to the bottom of the list when it comes to doing anything to... Read More

Outsourcing Quiz: Cheap Vs. Good

Someone can say, 'Why do you oppose this?' So I'd like to prevent such attacks and tell that this article is dedicated mainly to the issue if it's worth to look for the... Read More

People - You Cant Make Them What Theyre Not

Many business people and managers are spending too much time trying to change the underperforming people who work for them. They seem to believe that if they train people - tell them what... Read More

Innovation Management ? Measuring Failure!

Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation whilst innovation can be defined as idea selection, development and commercialisation.There are distinct processes that enhance problem identification and idea generation and, similarly,... Read More

Keeping and Motivating the Best Employees

Keeping and Motivating the Best Employees In "You Win With People" we talked about the need to hire the very best people to build your team. Now that you've... Read More

Employee Surveys: a Strategic Tool for Positive Change

Do you want to measure your workers' level of satisfaction? Or change policies and procedures to make them more effective? Or find out if your supervisors are stuck in out-dated ways of managing?... Read More

The Top 10 Requirements for Your Business to Become and Remain Profitable

We live in a relentlessly competitive world. The daily pressure to work "better, cheaper and faster" can make even talented business owners and entrepreneurs lose site of first principles. As you cope with... Read More

You Cant Afford the Luxury of Disengaged Employees

In today's business environment with increases in staff reductions and rapidly changing roles and responsibilities, it is crucial that all of your team members be fully engaged in the tasks at hand. According... Read More

Finding the Right Way to Motivate Your Employees

Fear, Incentives and GrowthZig Ziglar says that there are three main ways to motivate people in general and employees specifically. They are fear, incentives and growth. Let's take a look at each one.Fear.... Read More

Build Rapport Fast! - Eight Easy Steps

Building rapport is all about creating a relationship, in the moment. And this is vital in business, education, friendships and many other areas of life. We need relationships to help us get the... Read More