Violating Boundaries: Assert Yourself and Take Charge

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." ? Benjamin Franklin

Are you sick and tired of being treated like a doormat and having people walk all over you? If you answered yes, read on...

It's time you learn to assert yourself by respecting and honoring your personal and professional boundaries. It is important that you do so because if you can't look out for yourself, nobody else will.

We have all at one time or another experienced boundary violations from friends, relatives, or co-workers be it intentional or unintentional. Such encounters can become very uncomfortable and difficult to deal with, especially when dealing with people you know intimately. How can you stop the cycle of abuse and take control of your life?

It starts with self-honoring and self-respect. Know yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses, know what you stand for and what you don't stand for, know your boundaries. As the Greeks once said, "Know thyself and you will know the Gods and the universe."

Be aware of your physical, emotional, and social boundaries in the different areas of your life including personal, professional, family, and relationships. Take the time to honestly communicate with boundary violators letting them know in no uncertain terms that you don't appreciate being treated in a certain way and will not tolerate it. Different circumstances will call for different ways of dealing with such issues depending on your work, your personality, and the situation.

For example, Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date) is a Toronto sex therapist who does the lecture circuit on sexual relationships and driving one's lover wild in bed. As you can imagine, she is having her boundaries violated all the time. Many people assume, wrongly, that because she is a public figure and authority on sex that they have the right to make sexual innuendos and inappropriate remarks.

If that weren't bad enough, some deranged people think they actually have the right to have sex with her! One such person walked up to her after she finished delivering her seminar and bluntly stated, "I'd like to f*@#k you." She laughed and quickly brushed him off by saying, "My seminar was about driving YOUR own lover wild in bed?not me?I have my own husband!" In her profession, Dr. Date finds humor and a sharp, quick wit to be most effective.

One time, somebody had physically grabbed her tush. In response, she kneed him right in the crotch! This person wasn't too bright and asked a stupid follow-up question, "Why did you do that for?" She responded with, "You touched my ass, I touched your crotch!"

In Rebecca's case, because of the nature of her profession, she chooses to respond to verbal abuse in a verbal way and physical abuse in a physical way. But violators beware! Not only is this type of behavior socially inappropriate, it's just plain stupid; you can end up with a court order, a life-debilitating lawsuit, or some serious jail time. People who continually violate their friend's boundaries need to back off and smarten up. It's a recipe for disaster, ultimately ruining the relationship that has taken so long to build. We all have friends who love to give advice but seldom follow it themselves. Gone too far, they begin telling you what to do with your life. These people feel that because they are your friends, they have the right to tell you what to do and try to change you. And if you don't change and do what they tell you, they take it personally.

Friends who commit such relationship sins should wake up and smell the coffee. My message to them is, "Stop! Take a long look in the mirror and realize that the only person that can change is YOU! Stop trying to take out the speck of dust from your neighbor's eye and remove the plank from your own!" Make a top ten list of how you may be violating other people's boundaries and work towards eliminating these bad habits from your life.

If you feel you are a victim of such 'boundary hunters', you need to sit down with such friends and explain to them honestly what you are feeling and how you want to be treated in such circumstances. You might start by saying something to the following effect: "I don't like it when you keep telling me what I need to do with my life. Sometimes as a friend I just want to confide in you and feel supported. I'm not looking for advice, just some understanding and empathy." Should this pattern of boundary crossing abuse continue unabated, then I would strongly advise that you exercise respect for yourself by ending the relationship and moving on.

"But what if this person happens to be my boss?" you might ask. "Won't it jeopardize my job and future opportunities for promotion?" My answer to this question is a direct one: regardless of whether it's a family member, friend, co-worker, or even employer, if you don't like the way you are being treated stand up for yourself and say so! Have the courage to confront whoever it is who is crossing your boundaries and exercise your right to be treated as a free and intelligent human being; even if this means terminating the relationship, leaving, or getting fired from your job. You don't deserve to be continually mistreated in any situation. In fact, in many cases the person being confronted will have a new found respect for you when you show enough backbone and courage and stand up for who you are. As a case in point, Janick Leonard, now a professional Network Marketer, served as a waitress ten years ago for a trendy Mont-Tremblant restaurant. The owner had a big anger management problem and would constantly scream and publicly chew out his employees in public. One day he chewed her out for no apparent reason and started calling her names and verbally abusing her in front of clients. She quit her job right on the spot and left, setting an example to those who kept taking the abuse.

"I couldn't handle being treating like that," she writes. "He crossed my boundaries and I decided I would never let anyone treat me this way ever again." It's probably one of the best decisions she has ever made. After she quit, she wrote a letter to the owner expressing how she felt and letting him know that all the employees felt the same way, creating awkward tension and resentment whenever he was around the restaurant. The employees were pretending to like him while the truth was that everyone was talking behind his back, and Janick expressed this in her letter to the owner. As a result, this letter changed the way the owner treated his employees from then on.

But that's only half the story. Janick jubilantly writes, "After a couple of years, I sat with my ex-boss and we made peace. He hired me again for another of his restaurants and I worked for him and his partner for 3 years while I was studying fashion in college. Our relationship has been straightforward, authentic, and based on respect... It still is today."

If you honor and respect yourself, and treat others with the same dignity you would want to be treated with, your whole life will change for the better. From this day forward, promise to assert yourself, take a stand for your personal freedom, and never let anybody continue to cross your boundaries ever again!

Sharif Khan is a professional speaker and author of "Psychology of the Hero Soul," an inspirational book on awakening the Hero within and developing people's leadership potential. You can reach him at sharif@herosoul.com or visiting http://www.herosoul.com

As a speaker, Khan provides inspirational keynotes and leadership development workshops that entertain, empower, and educate. To book Khan as a speaker for your next event call 416-417-1259.

---

Finding Yourself: Finding Passion Series - 1 of 3

We have been told that the things we don't like in our children are the same things we don't like in ourselves. We are told that we project our own flaws and issues... Read More

Is Work Still Necessary?

I have a confession to make - several confessions in fact.I have at times been stupid enough to believe that work is not necessary to make money or achieve success.A few years ago... Read More

Motivation: The Cure for Complacency

Q. I've always tried to work hard enough to provide for my family and be content. The problem is, when I'm content, I get complacent, and everything starts to fall apart. How do... Read More

Pushing Through Your Comfort Zone

Our greatest growth in life comes from pushing through our present comfort zone. This process starts at birth. A baby feels safe, warm and secure in its mother's womb. However, to stay there... Read More

What If I Fall Flat On My Face?

I hope you do. Sounds awful, I know. But I really think the best thing that can happen to you is for you to take a timid little leap and fall flat on... Read More

Motivation By Your Family And Cornermen

The motivation for good or bad which we get from our families is huge. They can either destroy our dreams or help us create them. Most of the boxers in the Contender series... Read More

Commitment vs.Trying - Is Trying Lying?

Today I heard the saying "Trying is lying!"It made me reflect back to earlier this year when I was lying in my hospital bed with two broken legs, a broken hip and a... Read More

Self-Limiting Beliefs: The Inner Enemies of Progress

What are they?Self-limiting beliefs are those things you believe about yourself that place limitations on your abilities. They may be conscious or unconscious. They may be founded or unfounded eg:I am fat so... Read More

How Poor Are You!

Do you want to know your poverty graph? You are poor if you:- do not have a firm commitment with yourself to succeed- do no set goals and follow them through- do not... Read More

Vanity Killed My Car

When I was a freshman in college, my first car was a 1973 Dodge Swinger. Stop laughing! When I first bought the car it was quite sad looking. But hey, it was all... Read More

Life Issues Pt.2 - Against All Odds

Against all odds. I think that should be the motto of every person that is striving to be successful. The "odds" can be almost be anything: a lack of money, a lack of... Read More

Journaling - A Tool for Healing and Growth

The word "journal" comes from the French. It dates back to the 14th century and means daily. As recently as April 26, 1999, "Newsweek" magazine ran an article entitled "Pen, Paper, & Power.... Read More

Quit Pretending - You Have To Live Whats In You To Succeed

Some people, after they reach their mid and upper adult years seem to go through their lives just existing. Oh! They work at their jobs as best as they can. Some may even... Read More

Words That Inspire - CHOICE

What CHOICE do you want to make?Dictionary* says:the act of choosing, power of choosing, a person or thing chosen, the best part, care in selecting.What it REALLY means: making a commitment to... Read More

Nine Reasons To Embrace Failure

I've always heard that "public speaking" is the number one most common fear. According to a recent survey I conducted in my e-newsletter, however, this is not the case. Overwhelmingly my readership chose... Read More

Hello! It Is Opportunity Calling!

If I knock at your door hold your hand take you towards the road to fortune would you come? If I tell you that I can guide you and point to you where... Read More

At A Dead End? Look Deeply Into My Eyes!

The president of a large North Eastern company, doing business internationally, was visiting his California division. While he was there, he saw a very large photograph of, of all people, himself, hanging on... Read More

Ambitiously Pursuing Your Own Self

(Excerpted from The Power of Ambition series)What is the origin of true ambition? There exists really only one place to find true ambition and that is within you ? in every thought, in... Read More

What Motivates You?

As a life-long student of personal development, I've attended dozens of motivational seminars, listened to hundreds of tapes, and read untold books on the subject of motivation . I've presented motivational seminars. And... Read More

Lights are Off and No One is Home

The other day I was on my way home, and for some reason all the traffic lights were out. It was 5pm, so needless to say it was rush hour, and pure chaos.I... Read More

Planting Seeds of Action

Recently, I was driving past a local nursery and saw a sign that said, "Fall Is For Planting." As I drove, the idea on the sign was gnawing away at me. I asked... Read More

The Most Courageous People in the World

Who are the most courageous people in the world? Armed services? Coastguards? Astronauts? Firepersons? Explorers? Mountaineers? ??Sports? For us, the most courageous people in the world are those who are committed to discovering... Read More

Motivation; 7 Musings on Motivation

1. Most of us are motivated by one of two things - inspiration or desperation. Most successful people choose inspiration as their motivation.2. "There's always a way, if you're committed." - Tony Robbins.... Read More

A Special Q & A - All About Passionately Soaring in Life

1. How do I discover my passion?This is one of my favorite reasons for giving Divinely channeled private consultations. Most people do NOT know their passion, or their life purpose.So I am going... Read More

How to Make it Big In Spite of Your Challenges

Imagine for a moment it's five years from now and you are still making the same income (or just a little more), living in the same home or apartment. You are in debt.... Read More

When the Door of Opportunity Opens

Anybody can achieve anything ? do you believe that? I do. But there is a caveat that must be made. Those who succeed are those who walk through the door of opportunity when... Read More

The Biggest Mistake Youve Made About Manifesting

What is the biggest mistake you have made about manifesting your desires?You will be surprised by the answer and you probably thought it was the best thing you could do to achieve your... Read More

STOP! Reading the Headlines and Live Your Own Life First

Imagine! 40 is old. The California State Supreme Court has said that when are you are 40, employers can discriminate against employees using this age as the excuse.I attempt to ignore all headlines... Read More

Motivation: Tearing Down Your Own Limitations

Q.: I've always been sort of cynical about all this motivational stuff. Lots of rah-rah but no how-to. Now I see all these commercials that talk about no limits, no boundaries, etc. But... Read More