Assertiveness: Key to Better Parenting

I have always been aware of my number one weakness: non-assertiveness. But I have come a long way from the time when I couldn't say 'no' to a child molester and not understanding the importance of telling my parents.

At my first job after high school, I had the misfortune of working for someone who told me that I could have it all but with no questions asked. He said so clearly that there were women who slept their way up and I could do the same. He then started to hold me tightly and was already groping all over. I was too stunned to move in the beginning but I did try to push him away. Luckily for me, a security guard walked into the office.

Some guardian angels must be looking out for me. On both incidents, I could have been a statistic. I didn't have the courage to tell anyone but I made a promise to myself that if I should ever climb the corporate ladder, I would do it with my brains.

Unfortunately, my parents didn't have the extra money to put me through four years of university. I worked as a tutor to three kids throughout my tertiary years and with a scholarship loan, I managed to finish my degree in journalism with a second class upper.

I took on the first job that came my way: as a seminar organizer. Again the same old pattern emerged. For six months my boss didn't contribute to my retirement account. I was not aware that it was unlawful. Then she made me answer calls from all the speakers I had invited to give seminars for payments due to them. She had purposely delayed paying them for reasons only known to her. I couldn't see a good future with her, so I quit.

Many of my course mates had joined the newspaper and there was an opening for a cub reporter. I got in and was learning the ropes pretty well at the news desk. Six months later, I was transferred to the features desk.

It was all rosy in the first year and because I was getting familiarized with the work and all, I gladly took on anything that came my way. Not such a smart move really. Whenever my editor asked for a volunteer for some uninteresting articles, no one would do it. And because I had set the pattern for being the obliging one, or rather the one who couldn't say 'no' most of the time, I had to do the assignments. I had never asked for extension of deadlines and I was also the "secretary" who took phone messages for the others. When the time came for assessment and salary increments, I was not the favoured staff. After two agonizing weeks, I finally plucked up enough courage to speak to my editor about it. She merely said: "I was happy with your work. All I did was to recommend (the increments) but really, it was up to the management to decide!"

Would you stay on with a leader who wouldn't stick up for you? I asked for a transfer to the business desk where its editor was a known task master but fair and just.

Six years later, I found myself in a greater challenge. My five-year old daughter was a victim of a class bully at her kindergarten. From the many books on bullying that I read about, I had gathered that so long as the victims were not coached to be assertive and helped to build their self-esteem, the chances of them remaining victims continued into adulthood.

Since then, I have been trying to help my daughter increase her self-esteem. One of the many ways I learnt is to teach a child to love herself. Well, we are still working on her remembering to say: "I love you Mummy. And I love myself too."

I knew repeating this mantra would only help for awhile. One evening driving through a heavy traffic I made up a story to entertain my kids. It was about a six-year old girl named Lulu who would do anything for her friends because she wanted to be liked by them. Lulu didn't like herself much because she didn't think her kind-heartedness amounted much. "Now, if you were Lulu, do you suppose your friends would like you if you didn't like yourself in the first place?" I asked my children.

I was surprised even my two and half year old boy simultaneously replied no with his sister.

The story continued with Lulu being asked to pick some fruits from a tree by her friends. As she was climbing up the tree, fiery red ants bit her all over. But because she feared rejection from the others if she quit, she carried on. When she started to yank a bunch of fruits from a branch, she inadvertently dropped a beehive onto the ground.

The story ended with Lulu being hospitalized for bee stings but she learnt an unforgettable lesson about self-love and being assertive.

Now whenever my daughter needs a reminder about self-love, all I need to mention is Lulu.

Pat is a freelance journalist and a mother of two lovely kids. She enjoys writing and sharing her experience of being a mother. You can read more of her writings at KlinikOng.com

---

5 Tips for Improving Communication With Your Teenager

Parents are always looking for ways to open up the communication with their teenagers. Here are 5 ideas that are all within your control. Some may represent an attitude shift, some are tactics... Read More

Calming Tips for Hyperactive Children

Parents of hyperactive children know the "Would you please just settle down?!" phrase well, and likely use it on a regular basis.There are a number of tips to help parents settle their hyperactive... Read More

Thirteen Values You Can Teach Through Homework

Are you a parent concerned about passing values on to your kids? Do you worry that you can't find the time, or don't know how? You don't need thirty-minute multi-media presentations! You can... Read More

Boundaries - Why Theyre Needed

Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life, has noself-control, and lacks respect for others. If these were the qualities ofyour son, how would you feel for his future wives? Yes,... Read More

Parenting: 6 Observations on Fatherhood

Just the other day my oldest son asked:"Daddy, am I old enough to call you Dad?"Won't be long now before he is asking for the car keys.......Here are a few things I'm learning... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: The Bottom Line Issues

Q. When you consult with a family with teens, what are the typical bottom-line issues?A. Not surprisingly, the bottom line issues for parents are very different than the bottom line issues for the... Read More

Over-Indulgence And Over-Attentiveness - Two Dangers Parents Must Avoid!

We're all familiar with the over-indulgent parent. But there's another parenting practice that can be equally harmful: over-attentiveness.It's possible to be one or the other - or in some cases, both!Let's look first... Read More

A Quiz for Parents: What Are They REALLY Learning?

Picture this. Your child comes home with a special assignment from school. He's very excited about it and puts in a lot of time to perfect it. He's thrilled with the result and... Read More

Talk Your Child Clever

Most parents can hardly wait for their baby to say its first word. This usually happens between the nine months and a year. From about two years, the child should be able to... Read More

When A Parent Is Deployed

When a parent is deployed with the military it can be very traumatic for the children left behind. Having things for them to do, that makes them feel a part of the family... Read More

Understanding The Report

"No thank you. Don't bother to send me the report about the testing results. I won't understand it anyway. I'll just listen at the meeting." Those were the words of more than one... Read More

Parenting Styles - Overcoming Your Differences

If you spend any time in the parenting section of the library or your local bookstore, you will find hundreds of books on disciplining and raising your children. All the leading experts have... Read More

Film Industry and Our Youth

In the first premise, some films and video tapes which are released into the world market are doing more harm to the society than good. These films are full of various modes and... Read More

Diapers: Do You Choose Disposable Or Reusable?

Diapers..Changing a dirty diaper is not the best part of having a baby, but there's no escaping it. And you'd better get used to it - you'll be changing around 5,000 diapers before... Read More

Help! My Kids Dont Listen to Me

Does this sound familiar? Have your kids not listened to you when you wanted them to? This is one of the most common issues that parents bring to me seeking help and support.... Read More

Role Models for Your Teen

By the time your children reach their teens, there is only a limited amount of time left to influence them and get them started in life in the right direction.The teen years are... Read More

Attaboy! Encouraging Phrases That Build Confidence

Home, home on the range, Where never is heard A discouraging word And the skies are not cloudy all day!Oh, that would be wonderful but most parents and bosses tend to feel that... Read More

Dads, Handle your Kids Mistakes

One of the most difficult parts of being a father is learning to accept your children's mistakes. It certainly can be easy to be loving, supportive, and helpful when your children are mistake-free,... Read More

Influencing Adolescents - Guided Democracy

You need to smart to be able influence adolescents. You need to be able to stand back a little, hold your tongue and wait your turn to speak.Recently, Sam my seventeen year old... Read More

Watch What You Say

"Now don't you go getting any ideas, Harold.""Don't you get any ideas either, Terry.""Don't you two get any ideas."The young mother's words to her small children echoed in my head for several days.... Read More

Hearing Our Seriously Distressed Adolescents

The distressed adolescent often has feelings of abandonment, emotional detachment, withdrawal, and isolation. These children begin to develop an intense anger directed towards an adult society that they feel has hurt them and... Read More

Identifying Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in the Classroom: Eight Things Teachers Should

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is the phrase that is used to describe children who have significant problems with high levels of distractibility or inattention, impulsiveness, and often with excessive motor activity levels.... Read More

Pipe Down!

Life is funny.My twenty-year-old daughter, Melanie, has a her new summer job as a nanny for three small children. She's an aspiring operatic soprano who was whisked off to a rich suburb near... Read More

Guerilla Parenting Techniques: What Are They?

When you hear the phrase, 'guerrilla parenting techniques', what images come to mind? I see a big, broad shouldered soldier, dressed in green fatigues, with brown paint on his face. His chest is... Read More

Quality Time with Your Teen

It's sometimes difficult to find ways to be involved with your teen without totally intruding in his/her life. You want to talk to them, they don't want to talk to you (most of... Read More

Top 20 Items To Pack In A Diaper Bag

1. Diapers (5 -7 is a fairly safe supply)2. Wipes3. Cream (like Desitin, A&D ointment, Vaseline)4. Baby Powder5. At least one bottle of juice or milk6. A few jars of baby food7. At... Read More

The POWER of Your Words

Words are truly powerful things. They are something that becomes a part of us, our history, and our legacy. From my own life experiences, I have understood how words, simple words said in... Read More

Friendships - Helping Children Develop Friendship Skills

Reasearch into children's friendships shows that those children who are able to form friendships when they start school are happier at school and also learn better.More significantly, a positive beginning to friendships has... Read More

Considering Daycare? Consider the Pros and Cons

When you're a parent it's a difficult decision to know whether to send your child to daycare or not. We have provided many of the pros and cons of sending your child to... Read More