Im a Father, Doesnt Anyone Care?

The snow was getting heavier with each lift of the shovel. My back ached, and I was chilled to the bone.

I'd had enough for one day.

I entered the house and heard the sounds of voices engaged in a friendly game of cards. My wife and kids were sprawled out on the floor of the family room, and they were oblivious to my arrival. "Hi guys!" I yelled. There was no answer. "Hi there!" I tried again. "You can't use that card!" I heard my daughter shriek.

Then the thoughts started to come. "I'm invisible to them!" I told myself. "All the stuff I do around here, and does anybody notice it? I'm working my tail off again, and they're in here playing!" As I went downstairs, I took along some heavy baggage with me.

I took blame with me, and a sense of feeling justified in my blame. My wife and kids were to blame. In my victim-filled mind, they should have been there at the door to greet me with hugs and kisses. They should have been filled with adoration at the wonderful job I did on the driveway. And they should have taken me right to the couch, where a back massage and warm food would comfort me. (The fantasies of victims can be pretty wild!)

I can't say that I felt good blaming them, but I did feel justified. And for those of us who occasionally feel victimized by our families, feeling justified can be plenty. It allows us to feel "right," while they're "wrong," and it allows us to "prove" how worthy of blame they are.

Once again in my role as a father, I'd made the fundamental error. The error that prevents us from being who we were meant to be.

I'd gone into my head, and away from my heart.

I was expecting my family to "give" me love. You know, the love that I was "owed." Fortunately, love doesn't work that way. I'd forgotten that I wasn't a parent to "give" or "get" love. Our job as parents is to discover love as the fundamental fact of life. It is to bring this expression of our love into the world. It's more a matter of "being" love than giving it.

Parents across the world have reason to be grateful, for we've all embarked on the world's most complete and intensive course on love. While we may resist it at times, we're called virtually every day to express the deep reservoir of love within us. And sometimes, because we're busy blaming others, we miss the call completely.

Fathers go through periods when they feel "outside" of their family. They feel neglected, or they feel invisible. Or, they feel like they're just a "paycheck" to their families. But what's really happened is they've forgotten they're not on this planet to "get" love from their family members.

They're here to discover the boundless love that's always been in them.

I calmed down my thoughts and emerged from my "victim's dungeon." "Hey Dad, want to play some cards?" my son called. I dropped myself down onto the ground next to my family. "Sure, what's the game?"

My back was feeling better already.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents by phone to balance their life and improve their family relationships. For a FREE twenty minute sample session by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FREE newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com. or email him at mark@markbrandenburg.com.

---

Picky Eaters - Successful Strategies Part 1

What is in a name?The answer is everything!Jo J. of Victoria, Texas said that her son was a very picky eater between the ages of four and six and refused to eat many... Read More

The Truth Behind Having Children

In the beginning, having children was just a byproduct of sexual instinct. Later it was a means to increase manpower for survival (hunting the mastodon, tilling the fields). It was just a part... Read More

Raising a Self-Sufficient Teen

Teens don't learn responsibility overnight. If you haven't been working with your teen on gradually giving them a sense of independence and ownership of their lives, then you're going to have your work... Read More

How To Entertain A Child While Working From A Home Office

There is no doubt that the benefits of being a work-at-home parent outweigh the drawbacks. However, some days can prove to be difficult when your two year-old is determined to climb on top... Read More

Calming Tips for Hyperactive Children

Parents of hyperactive children know the "Would you please just settle down?!" phrase well, and likely use it on a regular basis.There are a number of tips to help parents settle their hyperactive... Read More

7 Easy Ideas for Organizing Kids Artwork

In school, kids are encouraged to create, draw, color, paint and build. These activities can certainly stimulate children, and help them grow.Very often, these masterpieces that your children create are brought home and... Read More

First Year With Twins - A Father?s Point Of View

People always ask my wife and I: "How did you ever do it with two babies? I just can't imagine it". My answer is always the same?we just do. We just do what... Read More

Celebrating Life with Children in September

Here are ten simple pleasures you can enjoy with your children this month.1. Ask your child to read a book to you. Younger children can look at the pictures and describe what's going... Read More

The Personality of a Virgo Child

Your Virgo Baby..August 23 - September 22Virgo children are honest and reliable and usually tidy, although they may have bouts of being disorganised. Quick and alert, your Virgo child can be an excellent... Read More

Some Good News About Blended Families

They Spur Members To Grow EmotionallyTatiana Tannenbaum grappled with a classic stepfamily struggle when she moved from Moscow, Russia to Portland, Ore. and married Leb Tannenbaum: Her three new stepsons weren't very happy... Read More

What Are Reasonable Expectations of a Child?

To have reasonable expectations of our children is an important aspect of wise parenting. Reasonable expectations leave room for a child to be a child but understand they are on the road to... Read More

Back to School Success: The Parents Job and the Students Job

Q. With another school year starting, we are not sure how to handle things with our teen-ager. Last year turned into such a battle, and we fear another year just like last year.... Read More

Dyslexia: Is the Shoe Perhaps on the Wrong Foot?

Reading is the most important skill that a child must acquire at school, because one must learn to read to be able to read to learn. The implication of this is that the... Read More

Lifebooks: Every Adopted Child Needs One

Information is gold when you are adopted. Every tiny piece is precious, whether it's a photo or quote from the orphanage staff. LifeBooks help put all the information pieces together in a way... Read More

Patterns For Plus Size Children

Plus size children and overweight children need patterns and clothing that fit THEIR "larger than average" measurements. Sadly, neither ready made clothing nor commercial patterns address the real issue of children's measurements.After interviewing... Read More

Parenting Problem? 5 Simple Things That Will Help

What is a parenting problem?Parenting is a tough job, we all know that. Parents face many situations that they are not familiar how to deal with. Is the child's fault? Of course not.... Read More

Free Stuff for Twins: Incentives for Parents of Multiple Births

A sure way to double the joys of parenthood is to give birth to twins! You'll have twice the smiles, goos & coos, giggles, and firsts (first words, first steps, first burps...) But... Read More

How Can I Teach My Child To Be Responsible?

Most of us when asked what we want our children to become, we include "responsible" among other things such as happy, fulfilled and caring. We want our children to learn to make wise... Read More

Want To Further Your Childrens Studies?

Being in a competitive world, the lowest qualification to secure a good job is a degree. However, a degree subject may be perceived as too general and the acquisition of a specialist skill... Read More

Coping With Colic

Quite simply, an absolute nightmare for parents and babies alike, colic is likely to be the first major test of your parenting skills. It is dreadful for all concerned but these tips should... Read More

Medications: Addressing Parental Fears and Concerns

Recently, a parent came to me, conflicted over whether to follow her pediatrician's recommendation of placing her young son on medication. His difficult behaviors had escalated in recent years and after trying behavioral... Read More

Dad, Go Ahead and Cry

She slipped her small, soft eight-year-old hand into mine. Her face was lit up with joy. And as my daughter took my hand and moved closer to me, I lost control of my... Read More

Understanding The Report

"No thank you. Don't bother to send me the report about the testing results. I won't understand it anyway. I'll just listen at the meeting." Those were the words of more than one... Read More

Watch What You Say

"Now don't you go getting any ideas, Harold.""Don't you get any ideas either, Terry.""Don't you two get any ideas."The young mother's words to her small children echoed in my head for several days.... Read More

Say No to Mealtime Mayhem: Eating Out With Your Baby or Toddler

Many parenting books advise against eating out with young children. Their short attention span and need to be involved in everything will mean a nightmare for you, they say. They're wrong. We eat... Read More

Three Sure-Fire Ways to Teach Your Child About Safety

Levels of SafetyBy teaching our children there are different levels of safety and those levels depend on the situation they are in and the decisions they make in those situations, we can better... Read More

Parenting Univeristy: Potty Training 101

When your child shows signs of potty training readiness, it's time to purchase some essential potty training items. There are many new products which can help to make potty training quick and easy... Read More

Discipline

Discipline is a necessary part of parenting yet it makes most parents feel uncomfortable. Some of those old disciplinary phrases such as 'spare the rod and spoil the child', 'teach them a lesson'... Read More

Spare the Child, Ditch the Rod

Spare the rod, spoil the child!This philosophy's been around a long time.In fact, a study done by Zero to Three, a nonprofit child-development group, found that 61 percent of the adults who responded,... Read More