Labeling is Disabling: Achieving Congruent Communication

A small town, somewhere in the world, was managed by a town council of seven or eight members.

The council normally met once a week. One member - let's call him Bill - would invariably stroll intothe council chamber exactly ten minutes after the time scheduled for the meeting.

For Bill's fellow councilors, this seemingly inconsiderate practice was very disruptive. At first, since Bill was known to be an extremely busy professional, they were prepared to assume that he had been unavoidably delayed. But when history repeated itself meeting after meeting, they began to wonder..

Then one day, the sleepy little town was overtaken by a crisis, and the mayor asked his councilors to attend an emergency session - at 7 the following morning. And you guessed it - Bill turned up at 7:10 precisely.

This seemed to confirm the mayor's suspicion's that something more than unavoidable circumstances lay behind Bill's habitual latecoming. After the meeting he called over the offending councilman for a private chat.

To the mayor's surprise, Bill accepted the rebuke with good grace. Punctuality had never been his strongest point, he pleaded, and it had never dawned on him that his bad habit was upsetting everybody so. But from this point, he assured the mayor, he was a reformed man...

The day of the next council gathering came around, and sure enough, Bill was among the first to arrive.

"What's the matter Bill?" jeered one of his colleagues "Is your watch half an hour fast?"

"Surely, you were locked out of your house!" added a second, in a somewhat derisive tone.

Right until the end of his term of office, Bill was never on time for a council meeting again.

*********

This is a story that actually happened, although I have changed some of the details.

Three or four decades ago, an educational psychologist by the name of Haim Ginott caused quite a stir when he suggested to parents and teachers that they try a new way of communicating with children. He urged them to unlearn the language of rejection - blaming and shaming, ridiculing and belittling, threatening and bribing - and to learn a new language of acceptance.

In his bestselling books, Ginott repeatedly wrote about the need for "congruent communication." By this, he meant that the way we communicate should be congruent, or consistent, with our objective.

What a pity that so much of our communication isn't!

We see this clearly from our story. Had his colleagues given Bill some badly needed encouragement in breaking a difficult habit, everybody would have come out a winner. But instead of drawing him near, they pushed him away.

Before taking up psychology, Ginott had been an elementary school teacher, first in Israel and then in the USA. But he was not happy, for he realized that his professional training had not equipped him well for the cold realities of the classroom.

"I tried to teach my students to be polite," he complained, "and they were rude; to be neat, and they were messy; to be cooperative, and they were disruptive!"

What, then, was the problem?

Could it be, he apparently asked himself, that he was the problem?

Was he relating to his young charges correctly? Or was he, quite unwittingly, pushing them into them into the same corner into which Bill had been pushed by his colleagues on the town council?

How, he asked himself further, does a teacher react if a guest comes to her classroom and forgets her umbrella? Does he run after her and say: "What's the matter with you? Every time you come to visit you forget something. Next time, you'll forget your head! Why can't you be like your sister? She's a responsible person.."

For sure, he will say nothing more than "Here's your umbrella." That's it. But nobody knows why a teacher (or a parent) has to assume the role of a judge, or a prophet, when he or she is addressing a child.

A wise person knows that to label a person is to disable him. This applies especially in the case of young children, whose minds are like wet cement. The diagnosis may become the disease. A child may often live up to his parent or teacher's negative prediction.

But that's not all.

What do you do when feel you're the target of verbal abuse? Normally, you answer back. You give as good as you get.

But what if you're powerless to defend yourself against one who insults or belittles you? At the very least, you'd try to immunize yourself against any further verbal barbs and stings. You'd begin to seal off your mind.

Labeling, or any kind of negative name-calling, is not only a way to make personal enemies. It is one of the deadliest enemies of communication itself. Through it - and I am choosing my words carefully - parents or teachers could lose their children forever.

We want to place our children in at atmosphere in which learning can thrive and creativity can flourish. We want them to prepare themselves for mature and responsible adulthood. We dare not shut the door in their faces.

"Fine," you might say, "but how do we do things the right way?"

It's a complex subject, but here's a simple illustration:

In the best of schools, it sometimes happens that two classmates insist on striking up a conversation precisely when their teacher needs their undivided attention - for example, when he is about to assign homework. Here are two short sound bytes from two different schools.

Teacher A: "Shut up - or else! You guys belong in a reformatory."

Teacher B: "I need to assign homework now. I cannot do it unless there is absolute quiet!"

Who is the more effective communicator?

You be the judge!

Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.

---

Alias: Aptitude

Be aware. You may become totally overwhelmed when you get the results of the special education testing on your child. There is a lot of "stuff" on that report! And much of it... Read More

5 Steps to Raising an Optimistic Child

I had just completed a session with 17-year old Julie who suffered from severe depression. Julie believed she was a total failure and would never be able to change anything in her life.... Read More

Anti Scooter Media Frenzy

An estimated five million scooters will be sold this year and according to the U.S. Product Safety Commission 26,000 scooter-related injuries were reported before the end of December 2000! 90 percent of those... Read More

Spanking Children

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Results of the Spanking Poll on Rexanne.com: Voters - 233Percentage of readers who do not spank their children: 37%Percentage of readers who spank their children: 62%~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I am completely opposed to spanking. I know... Read More

Children Who Talk to Angels

What do you do when your child begins talking to some unseen entity? How do you determine if it's a psychic event, an imaginary playmate, or some sign of a mental health issue?... Read More

How to Help Your Children to Blossom

I am writing this from the beautiful mountains of Western North Carolina in the southeastern region of the United States.It is gorgeous here in April, with trees covered in white or pink blossoms,... Read More

Ritalin (Methylphenidate) in the Treatment of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Ritalin is a good medication with a bad reputation. Its name causes more fear in the hearts of parents than any other medication. It is the topic of radio talk shows, protests by... Read More

Invented Spelling --- Another Alice-in-Wonderland Public-School Theory

As part of the whole-language (or "balanced") reading-instruction philosophy, many public schools now teach what they call "invented" or "creative" spelling. Under this theory of spelling, teachers believe that forcing a child to... Read More

A Dangerous Environment

The internet is a dangerous place for your children. Don't even begin to believe that your child is safe. There are more dangers than you can possibly imagine waiting to lure children to... Read More

Build Character with this Delicious Triple A Recipe!

Vinegar or honey, what do kids really want? "Toys, candy, and their own way," answer millions of parents.They say you can catch more flies with a spoonful of honey than with a cupful... Read More

Bad Boys/Good Boys (Avoiding The Pitfalls Of Being An Insensitive Dad)

I WAS AMAZEDI could hardly believe what I was hearing. A father and his son had entered the men's room. While I was washing my hands, I listened as the father wielded a... Read More

10 Signs That Your Teen Is Using Drugs

Did you know that over 75% of teens aged 16-17 report that obtaining marijuana is "easy or fairly easy?" Or that 25% of youths between 12 and 17 say the same of crack?When... Read More

Adderall and Its Side-Effects

Adderall is a stimulant medication used in the treatment of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in both children and adults. It is made from a combination of four amphetamine compounds. Adderall is useful because... Read More

Top Five Ways To Stay In Touch With Your Child

Once your little boy/girl goes off to school, you may find that your "special talks" occur less frequently... You may become disheartened by the mere fact that your child now has new friends... Read More

The Top 10 Tips for Communicating with Children

Most people have more training before they receive their driver's license than before they become a parent. Educating yourself on how to communicate effectively with your child can be the key to achieving... Read More

The Truth Behind Having Children

In the beginning, having children was just a byproduct of sexual instinct. Later it was a means to increase manpower for survival (hunting the mastodon, tilling the fields). It was just a part... Read More

Teaching Reading: Part 3, Whole Language Vs. Phonics

There are two methods for teaching children to read; whole language and phonics. Whole language is a "whole - part" method of teaching children to read, while phonics is a "part - whole"... Read More

Develop Your Childs Genius: Improving Concentration and Focus

Some people can concentrate on an assignment, to the exclusion of all distractions around them. My husband, who is an avid reader, can sit at a public place and read, no matter how... Read More

Raising a Tobacco-Free Kid

We begin forming healthy habits at a young age. With all that we know about smoking, it is astounding that young people will still take that first puff of a cigarette just to... Read More

ADHD: A Dialogue With a Non-Believer, Part Five

Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read the article What You Should Know About Attention Deficit Disorder by Edward W. after having it handed to me by a member of... Read More

Bath Time Fun

Bath time can be fun or it can be a real hassle if your child is afraid or don't like it. So we as mothers try to make it a fun time for... Read More

Is My Child Lazy?

Is there a difference between lazy and unmotivated? Why do some children move as if in slow motion? Is this normal or are they just trying to irritate you? You may be surprised... Read More

Parenting

This article on parenting is by a practicing relationship counsellor/therapist, and father.The following suggestions will be useful for any parent or caregiver who wants to improve their relationships with their children.In more extreme... Read More

Is Your Teen Swamped with Homework and Tests?

I hear from many parents that their child is stressed out with schoolwork, tests, finals, finding time to study, and extracurricular activities.I do not like seeing overstressed children and teenagers. Stress takes a... Read More

You Make Me Sick And Other Things Parents Say in Anger

Maryann is so focused she's blind. She's slipped over the edge of responsibility and forgot the real reason she is working so hard. It's for her daughter.Being a single parent isn't easy. Between... Read More

Raising Teenagers? Stay C.A.L.M.

Parents of teenagers frequently ask what can be done to improve their relationship with their kids. This can be a challenging time, and a time when parents sometimes feel rejected, out of touch,... Read More

Parents Complaints --- Arrogant Public Schools Turn a Deaf Ear

School authorities continually claim that they want more parent cooperation and participation in their children's education. They complain when parents don't show up for parent-teacher conferences or push their children to do their... Read More

Babys First Month at a Glance

Congratulations on your new baby! You have just brought your baby home and are pretty excited about everything. Perhaps you don't even mind the fact that getting a good night's sleep is getting... Read More

Is Your Behavioural Change Strategy Working?

'How can I start getting my children to help out at home?'Many parent ask me this question. My answer is simple ? "It depends!"Achieving a behavioural change in children is dependent on their... Read More