Surviving as a Single Parent

Emotional Overload

Many single parents say they deal with a variety of emotional issues that you might describe as "extra baggage." Some examples include:

? Self-pity

? Depression

? Guilt

? Anger

? Envy

? Fear

? Severe money problems

? Loneliness and isolation

? Frustration

? Exhaustion

These issues present such a challenge because they undermine your daily functioning and emotional well-being. But they can be managed successfully so that you manage your family in a positive way.

10 Ways to Speed Your Recovery Process

Becoming divorced or widowed and then facing years of single parenting is a shock to anyone who experiences it. You will need to take steps to recover and heal. Here are some suggestions:

1. Some churches, synagogues, counseling centers, and therapists offer free and low-cost divorce recovery workshops and grief support groups. Look for them in the newspaper and Yellow Pages. If you don't see any listed, call a few places that may be able to refer you.

2. Look for local peer support groups and networks.

3. If you have access to the Internet, search for support services in your area.

4. Also on the Internet, look for chat rooms or bulletin boards where single parents post messages and share ideas.

5. Find library books for kids about divorce and single-parent families, and read them together. Take the time to talk about how they relate to your situation and encourage your kids to talk about their feelings.

6. Find a support group for children of divorce.

7. Tell your children's teachers and the school psychologist that you are a single-parent family. Let them know that you welcome feedback and suggestions on coping with your circumstances.

8. When you are ready, investigate groups like Parents Without Partners for single adults. You need to be with other adults who have similar interests.

9. Learn to help your kids talk about what is happening to them.

10. Learn conflict resolution and problem-solving skills.

Single-Parent Survival Strategies

In addition to recovering from the loss of a partner, you will need to take action to survive and thrive in the coming years. The following strategies provide a starting place.

1. Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from both the loss of your spouse and the resulting changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now.

2. Realize and accept that you must get help with your single-parenting responsibilities. It is unrealistic to think that you can do it alone.

3. Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle. Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce, the death of a parent, or life in a single-parent home. Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do. Take your child's developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior.

4. Give your children permission to talk to you about their feelings.

5. Keep appropriate boundaries.

? Don't give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you.

? Let your children be children.

? Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce or death of your spouse.

? Find another adult to be your sounding board.

6. Let people help you.

? If it is impossible to reciprocate, say so.

? People know that your life isn't like it used to be.

? Don't let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer.

7. Let go of your need for perfection. You will have much more stress if you don't lower your expectations.

8. Even though you are unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers.

9. Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don't assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to parent loss by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, "Tell me how you're feeling."

10. While it is important to listen and accept your children's feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior.

11. Cultivate your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems.

12. Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first.

13. Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them.

14. Simplify as many things as possible in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated.

15. Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee.

16. Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don't have time for it, and it's not necessary.

17. Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don't waste your emotions on it.

18. Create a ritual to mark the change in your circumstances. This could be a funeral for your spouse or a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce.

19. Keep a private journal in which you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won't find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear-all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent.

20. Remind yourself that recovering from divorce or the death of a spouse will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact.

21. Learn to be assertive. You can't say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself.

22. Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake.

23. Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, "I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?"

24. Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren't around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel.

25. Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week.

26. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you're afraid of.

27. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about.

28. Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal.

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or 201-303-4303.

---

They Call it Puppy Love

My son is 6 yrs old. He came home the other day from school and stated that he had two girlfriends. I asked him who they were. And he said one was in... Read More

Play the Ball, Not the Man!

As parents and teachers, sometimes we want to praise, at other times we need to rebuke. Either way, how do we put our point across with maximum effectiveness? Adults entrusted with the character... Read More

Are You Too Busy for Your Kids?

In his recent newsletter "Happy Kids", parenting expert Michael Grose (yes he is an expert with three kids of his own) said:Australian parents currently rate achieving work-family balance as their greatest parenting challenge.... Read More

Teenagers and What Parents Should Do About Them

Chiladult? Whatever you call them, teenagers are a changin' and parents need to know what to do.Wow... What Happened?That's what most parents find themselves asking about the time their kids hit twelve or... Read More

How Is Peaceful Parenting? Different?

Peaceful Parenting? ideas are very different from other kinds of parenting practices that you have learned or read about. Certainly it is harder to practice Peaceful Parenting? than to simply threaten or bribe... Read More

The Financially Intelligent Parent: 8 Steps to Raising Successful, Generous, Responsible Children

What you say and do about money has a profound influence on your child. There are money moments every day that you can use to teach your children important skills and lessons about... Read More

Building Teen Character: Part-Time Employment

The teenage years are a crucial time in a child's life. They are not children anymore, but they are also not adults. During this time the choices they make may have an effect... Read More

Trip, Trip, Trip... Here Is Your Night Visitor Again!

Night Visits From Your ChildIn the middle of the night you hear, trip, trip, trip and your bedroom door opens. It's not hard to imagine who it is and when you feel your... Read More

Assume Personal Responsibility? Who, Me?

As thinking, acting human beings we have the ability to choose our response to events, people and circumstances. We do not become responsible when we mature; we mature when we become responsible.Psychologists teach... Read More

From Birth to Teen, Spirituality in Children

Until about the age of six, children do not generally have the aptitude to think in abstract terms. But they do have an imagination, and they do fantasize... it is just that they... Read More

Time, Stress, and a Baby

The main thing we noticed since having a baby is that time is a more valuable good. We do not have enough time for many things or time is really tight to accomplish... Read More

Im a Father, Doesnt Anyone Care?

The snow was getting heavier with each lift of the shovel. My back ached, and I was chilled to the bone.I'd had enough for one day.I entered the house and heard the sounds... Read More

Top Ten Reasons to Hold Family Meetings

1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a closer family.In this very busy world, designating this time every week is one way to ensure that family members stay connected with one... Read More

Our Recommended Eating Program for ADHD

Below is a copy of our eating program for Attention Deficit Disorder - ADD ADHD kids. It is not a very strict program, unless you are used to having most meals at your... Read More

Homeschool Socialization - Developing Your Homeschool Childs Social Skills

Everyone needs friends, and, as parents, you and I both know we're responsible for our children's social lives as well as our own. As homeschoolers, we also know that kids don't need public... Read More

What You Should Know About Counseling for Attention Deficit Disorder

At the ADHD Information Library we are big believers that you should not just be giving a child with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder medication without also providing some sort of counseling or therapy.... Read More

How To Live With Your Teenagers Untidy Room

'Whose room is it anyway?'If you have a teenager, you're no doubt familiar with the warcry of independence:'It's my room and I should be allowed to do as I please.'You hear the aggrieved... Read More

Parenting Skills - Five Ways To Turbo-Boost Your Confidence

The 'phone conversation had nothing at all to do with parenting - but it made me think . . ."Hello, Eastbank Football Club. Can I help you?" "Good morning, may I speak with... Read More

Ten Reasons to Tell your Kids Stories

In today's busy world, many parents have lost the art of telling their stories to their kids. Here are ten reasons why these stories are so beneficial:1. Use them to teach lessons about... Read More

Sibling Rivalry: The Magic Trick That Stops It Instantly

It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other, complaining that, "He got a bigger piece of pie," or "She got to stay up an hour later last night."When sibling rivalry rears its... Read More

Who Are You When the Professional In You Meets Baby?

Are you a professional?Notice how the questions differs from, "Do you have a profession?"To enter a profession, you invested an enormous amount of time, energy and money. Then you put great effort into... Read More

Eco-Parenting

Arabella Greatorex, owner of The Natural Nursery, reports on the rapidly rising demand for natural, environmentally friendly and ethically sound parenting products and highlights some of the concerns that have fuelled these demands.Organic... Read More

How To Teach Your Children Social Skills

As our children grow, they will be going to schools and interacting with lots of different people other. For example, friends and teachers. Hence it is necessary to teach them the social skills... Read More

For School Success, Dont Coddle Your Kids

Parents want their children to succeed in school. However, sometimes their best intentions are misguided. Attempts to provide children with a wonderful life can, in fact, increase the stress of the entire family.One... Read More

My Children

I have been a single mom for almost 20 years. My kids were 3, 7, 12 and 14 when my ex left.As a single mom, it's often hard because you are the only... Read More

How You Can Help Your Child To Be An Avid Reader

Reading is the most efficient and economical way to help anyone to acquire information, knowledge, skills and improve on one self. And it is most wonderful to help your child to be a... Read More

Back to School - Disappontment?

Our back-to-school buying habits do not help kids succeed in the classroom!Parents are buying new book bags, school clothes, tennis shoes, notebooks, pens, etc., with the mistaken belief that this will help their... Read More

Labor of Love

The small, lilac colored hexagonal box, with Winnie the Pooh on the lid, brings to mind healthy babies and happy times. But not all babies are born healthy and not all deliveries are... Read More

Parenting - The Irrational Vocation

There are some grounds to assume that a cognitive dissonance is involved in feeling that children are more a satisfaction than a nuisance. Why do people bother with parenting? It is time consuming,... Read More