Tips for Parents of Teenagers: Dont Just Survive - Thrive!

What makes parenting so challenging at times? One widespread research study reports that feeling "unprepared" tops the list for many parents' causes of dissatisfaction. And parents of teenagers, in particular, may feel this acutely as so many changes converge at once: adolescents are changing in every conceivable way while they often push parents away in their search for individuality. That this often happens during parents' own mid-life changes only adds to the poignancy of this period in a family's life.

So how can parents prepare for this dynamic journey? Here are some tips:

Learn about adolescent development

You probably read about babies before your first child was born. You had a pretty fair idea about developmental time frames ? when he would see you in focus, when she would begin to crawl, etc. Adolescents are, in many ways, changing as dramatically as they were as small babies ? and yet many parents don't make the time to learn about what is happening developmentally to their teenager. Information and knowledge will shed light on this puzzle, and it will enhance your understanding and your ability to provide support.

Here's an example: Teenagers may look like adults, but they are not. Their brains are still under development, which causes them to be more impulsive, more spontaneous and developmentally not ready to foresee the consequences of their actions. Knowing this - and knowing that developmentally they are not ready for certain levels of responsibility- can help you better manage your expectations and your relationship.

Put YOU into the equation

The issues that really get intense for parents aren't always about the teenager ? sometimes, parental issues are at the heart of the situation, and adults need to be able to separate this out and view the situation objectively. Remember, you are changing and developing too, and redefining the nature of your relationship with your teenager can bring up issues for you. It is imperative that parents examine themselves, their behavior, objectives and beliefs in the context of their family dynamics.

It is too easy to be habitual in our responses to children. Yet, you can see the growth and changes that are occurring with your teenagers ? they are changing in dramatic ways. It stands to reason, then, that parents need to examine the rules, roles and relationships to make sure they're adjusting for all this change. That requires self-examination.

Talk to your peers

Many parents find themselves feeling alone, and in their alone-ness they lose the ability to see the similarities in their experiences with those of other parents. There is so much you can gain by talking to other people in the same situation you are in. In sharing with others you gain additional perspective, and you are likely to see things in a new light. You may find others who have walked your road and who found other, or better, ways to address similar situations. Allow yourself to learn from them. Develop these friendships and make time to connect with them. Think of it as your own support network where "getting prepared" is one of the beneficial outcomes.

Find the humor

Have you ever noticed how humor can make tension instantly melt away? Some parents just tend to take things too seriously. Consciously look for the humor in situations because it allows you to create an environment of lightness and an attitude where communication is likely to be enhanced. Used appropriately, humor is a tool and a friend.

Take care of yourself

Sacrificing yourself to your children's needs serves nobody ? certainly not you, and it actually does a disservice to kids. They benefit from seeing parents as strong, fulfilled individuals who take good care of themselves, and you need nothing less if you are to thrive and grow.

Dr. Laurence Steinberg in his book Crossing Paths; How Your Child's Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis says that the parents who thrive during their child's adolescence have genuine and fulfilling interests outside of their parenting role. There is room for family life and career or other outside interests, and those who thrive are people who have both in balance.

Be open to learn from others.

Every day parents are given opportunities to prepare and to learn to be better as parents. Yet many times adults squander the opportunities put in front of us. It's easy to criticize how others handle situations with their teenagers, but if instead, you ask the question "what would I do in that situation?" you can create opportunities to prepare yourself for what you may face. Parents of teenagers are likely to find themselves in situations that are unpredictable. Sometimes kids do crazy things. But if you get in the habit of promoting open-mindedness, and of asking questions and getting facts before you react, you will behave in ways that don't embarrass you during a time of crisis. Parents can develop their own strategies by asking themselves "what would I do?"

Get involved in your child's school life and social life Some parents pull away from their kids during adolescence. Granted, this may seem like what your teen is asking for, but it's not. The character of your involvement may change during this time, but by all means stay connected in meaningful ways. One big way is to know your child's friends. This not only brings pleasure into your life, but it allows you to know more about your child, and from a different perspective.

There's a lot about this stage in a family's life that can create pressure and challenges. Probably only a few escape without a scar or two. It is also a time that is ripe with opportunities for growth for parents - so don't be left behind. There is opportunity for you to thrive as you grow, too.

Sue Blaney Copyright 2004

Sue Blaney is the author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride and Practical Tips for Parents of Young Teens; What You Can Do to Enhance Your Child's Middle School Years. As a communications professional and the parent of two teenagers, she speaks frequently to parents and schools about parenting issues, improving communications and creating parent discussion groups. Visit our website at http://www.PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.com

---

Keeping Your Children Safe

The purpose of this article is to address some of the key points parents need to know in order to keep their children safe.Let them know who can help them:When I was an... Read More

Homework Help for the Attention Deficit Child

Does the homework battle so typical with your hyperactive or A.D.D. child have you at the end of your rope? Relax. We have some tried-and-try ADHD information that should get your A.D.D. child... Read More

The Mystery of Child Beliefs, Spirit in Children, Understanding Spirtuality in Children

In the wonderment of childhood, it is easier for a child to find Spirit and belief than it is for adults! Tainted with the experiences of the mundane world, sadly a downhill experience... Read More

Teach Your Children How To Resolve Conflict Without Using Anger Or Power

Teaching kids to deal with conflict effectively and peacefully is perhaps the biggest challenge facing adults today. Children's disagreements both at home and at school can be noisy, physical and psychologically hurtful. The... Read More

End Babysitter Abuse

Not many things are more upsetting than discovering that your child has been abused, in any way, by your babysitter. People think that to be a babysitter means you must be a nice... Read More

Parenting Predicaments

Predicament:My son is 4 1/2 years old. His younger brother is 2 1/2. From the time his brother was born, until now, he has been loving, giving, and caring. Like all siblings sharing... Read More

Camps for Troubled Teens: Disciplines and Wilderness

Parents looking for a quick fix usually choose troubled teen camps. There are two types of teen camps: boot camps and summer or wilderness camps. They usually last from one to six weeks,... Read More

Babys First Month at a Glance

Congratulations on your new baby! You have just brought your baby home and are pretty excited about everything. Perhaps you don't even mind the fact that getting a good night's sleep is getting... Read More

Parents Demand Dumbed-down Tests:An Unintended Bad Consequence of the No Child Left Behind Act

The No Child Left Behind Act of 2001 is making the problem of cheating, low academic standards, and public schools lying to parents, even worse. Under this Act, the Department of Education now... Read More

Child Safety at Home

Maintaining a safe home environment for your childrenAs adults and parents we are responsible for all the aspects of child safety at home and the importance of following child safety tips to improve... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: When is it OK to Quit?

Q. My daughter is a junior in high school and has played an instrument and/or played in band all her life. Now all of a sudden she wants to quit lessons and quit... Read More

Facing the Homeschool Super Mom

I know this Mom. She homeschools her 5 children, plus she tutors several other children that are dropped off at her house. AND she's a Pastor's wife. AND she's working on fixing up... Read More

The Ten Most Common Poisons Among Kids

For parents, keeping our kids safe is a constant top priority. But even with the best intentions it's possible to overlook some potentially harmful household poisons. According to the National Academy of Poison... Read More

How To Teach Your Children Courage

Courage means doing the right thing when it is hard, even when it means being called a "chicken" by others.A person with courage dares to attempt difficult things that are good. He has... Read More

Pick Your Fights With Your Teenager Wisely

I know as a single parent or even with 2 parents, it is hard raising a teenage girl or a boy.I noticed throughout my son's teenage life, his emotions were different than mine.... Read More

ADHD: Some Survival Strategies for Parents

In our last issue we posted some of our suggested Survival Strategies for parents, and then asked readers to contribute some of their thoughts or tips. Since this newsletter is already running pretty... Read More

A Quiz for Parents: What Are They REALLY Learning?

Picture this. Your child comes home with a special assignment from school. He's very excited about it and puts in a lot of time to perfect it. He's thrilled with the result and... Read More

Parenting Styles - Overcoming Your Differences

If you spend any time in the parenting section of the library or your local bookstore, you will find hundreds of books on disciplining and raising your children. All the leading experts have... Read More

Who Are Your Kids Talking To Online?

Studies have shown that:1 out of 4 children were sent pictures of people who were naked or having sex?1 out of 5 children were solicited for sex on the Internet50% of people have... Read More

Classic Parenting: Encouragement, Praise, Acceptance, and Responsibility

Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and strengths in order to build his/her self-confidence. It comes from seeing the positive. Even failures can be outstanding learning experiences. Encouragement sounds like... Read More

Over-Focused ADHD

The least flexible character in all of the stories of Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin has got to be Rabbit. Oh, he can get a lot of things done, and he's the... Read More

The Recipe For The Making Of A Self-Assured Child: One Part Communication, Two Parts Love

Each child carries a unique picture of the self, shaped in part by the influence of parents. Your child is not born with a self-image or self-assurance. Both traits are learned through experiences... Read More

Hair Care for Children

Salon visits can be scary experiences for small children: They are boring, full of strangers and strange smelling products, you are being ordered to sit still for ages, whilst some idiot is doing... Read More

Simple Indulgences for September

As the kids go back to school, you can go back to *you*...your schedule, your friends, your goals. Here are ten simple indulgences to celebrate this season.1. Invite your girlfriends over for a... Read More

Potty Training ?To Train or Not to Train?

I have always found the notion of toilet training a toddler to be a bit much. I didn't feel right about pushing my girls to do something I felt would eventually come naturally.... Read More

Violence in Media

In the news, we hear and see an increasing number of reports about violence among children. This goes from rude fights on the playground to armed incidents in schools that result in injuries... Read More

The Cost of Competition on Kids

The subject of competition is one that provokes some pretty strong feelings in the United States. In fact, even hinting that competition might not be such a great thing can cause one to... Read More

Raising a Violent-Free Teen in 10 Easy Steps

The disquieting behavior of teenagers in the 21st century, is being hailed by experts as a disturbing trend among troubled youth. Such an interpretation may be factual, but mental heath advocates maintain there... Read More

Old-Fashioned Ways to Inspire Children

"Walk through any toy store and you will see walls and walls of toys that are loud -- toys that require batteries, have flashing lights, or that look like your child's favorite movie... Read More